I hesitate to show this to ya’ll, but I feel that this was the intention when I wrote it.  So I present it with some clarifications:  I wrote this on my BlackBerry sometime after 5 a.m. this morning.  When I was supposed to be asleep.  And since I have no recollection of typing it, I may actually have been asleep.  What I do know is that I was drugged out of mind with both OTC and prescription meds. Everything that could possibly have helped any of my ailments, from Advil to Zyrtec, was consumed.

So here you go - me… unaltered.

And now I’m going back to sleep.
(Read on …)

While waiting, I have -

- bought a car.
- started packing.
- debated with myself the best way to get rid of the shit I don’t want to store. (ebay/craigslist or an old fashioned garage sale)
- become incredibly disappointed that I won’t just be able to post pics on my blog of all the stuff I want to sell like last time.
- and with a glimmer of hope, I have started planning out a Fall Tourney season that is based on me not living in Hell.

And my wait might be coming to an end.  Today at 2 pm EST, I have a conference call with Corporate.  No one will tell me what it is regarding. I can only hope that it is them telling me to get the fuck out.

Scratch all that.  Conference call was a big circle jerk filled with people patting everyone on the back for how great they are handling all this.  Oh and lies. Lots of lying.  So I’m still waiting.  Maybe I could start my own Ebay business…

Layoffs started on Friday.

I have been told unofficially that I am part of the Phase 2 layoffs and that Phase 2 starts on or around Aug 25th (which was Aug 1st… and then Aug 18th).  And that depending on various things I could be asked to stay and work 30 to 90 days and in some cases until the end of the year. Of course when they say “asked to stay” they actually mean “do whatever we want or you won’t get your package.”

FunTimesAllAround.

I may have found a loophole that will get me out of this place sooner rather later but in an effort to not rock the boat it will be the card I play when nothing else is going the right way.

I just want to know. And then I just want to get out of here.

Sabine: Bellringer just punked your cat on my blog
Sarah: That’s one of the strangest emails I’ve ever had in my inbox.
Sabine: I do what I can.
Sabine: Trying to put something in perspective… how much would you say Moose weighs?
Sarah: In the 300s; maybe around 350?
Sabine: really? so 6′6″ and 260 is almost gaunt then.
Sarah: Squid is 275 and 6′5.
Sabine:I have never considered Squid to be that tall… but now that you mention it I did have to stand on my tiptoes to bite his nipple off.
Sarah: He’s a tall dude. And kinda lanky, in a way. Your hypothetical man is pretty damned scrawny.  Or lithe, possibly.
Sabine: 3 hours and still on the phone with TheEx.
Sarah:You really should stop that.
Sabine: I did.  I had to before we got back into that habit of talking endlessly to each other for day’s on end.  Can’t have that.
Sarah: Yeah.  I’m thinking that should be filed directly under “NO GOOD CAN COME OF THIS” and run through the virus scanner. 
Sabine: Right?  My only defense is that I am in the office and so damned bored.  There are only so many people online that I can bug. Even punking the guys on CL is getting old.
Sarah: Honey, then start a damned WOW account.  Go find some meth brittle.  Hell, go meet one of your Craigslist friends for coffee and heroin.  I think that any of those options would be far more safe and rational than talking with the guy who somehow forgot to break up with you.  RUN!
Sabine: Ok, but when you end up having to sneak me contraband into rehab I plan on reminding you of this moment.  Right.Here.  Being Nice to an Ex or Shooting Heroin with Random Strangers Who Don’t Own Pants.  You chose B.
Sarah: You know, when you put it that way, you make me seem quite irrational.
Sabine: And to think TheEx had such nice things to say about you.
Sarah: Yeah, but I haven’t ever ditched one of his nearest and dearest.  You can forgive and forget- that’s cool.  I’ll just hold onto this here grudge until it’s needed again.  It’s good company.
Sabine:K.  I’m going to go shoot heroin now.  Wish me luck!

Currently seeking additional persons of interest available to continuously email with Sarah and I during business hours … we need more to help balancing out the crazy that ensues when I don’t have work to occupy my brain.

Thursday was supposed to be the day.  Thursday was supposed to be the day that Jeff was actually going to finally get his ass on a plane.  He had a flight booked and everything… until I had to call and ask him to stay put.

Let’s rewind a bit.  That house?  The one you see below?  I didn’t get that house.  The day before I was to sign the papers I was informed that I was being relocated to an office about an hour north from my current office.  And about a 90 minute drive from the new house without traffic.  Since I was already having cold feet about the house I took this as a sign that I needed to back out and frantically set to searching for a new house.  Which I found about 20 minutes from the new office.  It isn’t anything special but it fit our needs and was vacant. 

So I packed.

And packed.

And threw away more shit than you can imagine (I had only lived in that townhouse for 3 years so I have no idea where it all came from)

And at the end of May, I moved.

Then I unpacked. I hung curtains (48 in total) and art. 

And by the end of June I had just about everything put in its proper place, except for the bookshelves (waiting for one the boys to come and help). And Jeff had most of his stuff in Mexico on pallets waiting for the next freighter. 

And we were giddy and giggly … then my boss calls.

(Read on …)

I have a house…. actually no. *We* now have a house. A thought that hasn’t yet failed to induce a panic attack every morning at about 3 a.m. since I looked into Jeff’s eyes and thought to myself that he just may love the house more than he loves me.

We looked at a LOT of homes. We fell in love with one only to have it swept out from underneath us. Then we looked at about 35 other homes that met our criteria (progressively getting higher in price) before we found IT (at double the price of the first one we fell in love with).

It really is a great house. But the price? Scares the shit out of me. From the front yard it looks normal, I mean sure you have to go through so much security that you start to feel like you are guarded by secret service agents to get to it. But once you can actually stand in the front yard it appears to be a normal 3/2/2/2.

(Read on …)

Ok there was going to be a War post, but really there isn’t much to say. War rocked. I finally stopped being a idiot and just camped in the place I belonged. I did what I wanted. I hung out with who I wanted to. I ignored the rest. Life was good. Life was even perfect. Why? Because I passed on all the damn drama.

Sarah and I managed to exceed even our wildest expectations with Girls’ Night Out. I never hit bottom. I never said “fuck this shit I want to go home.” I worked when I wanted to. Played when I didn’t. I was actually sorry to leave to site. I met new people. I bonded with old friends.

There you go. My War update.

Last week? I busted ass trying to find a new house. I had to bust ass because I really needed to have a few picked out by the time Jeff’s plane landed. Normally I would have been incredibly excited to see Jeff except this time I knew the only reason why he was here is so he could take me to the hospital. I had ThatThing removed yesterday. You know ThatThing, the one that looks strangely like a tumor. When I woke up they told me everything went really well, they also promised that they managed to remove ThatThing without removing my entire thumb. However I have yet to actually see (or for that matter feel) my thumb, so I think they may be lying to me.

I had planned on getting my haircut today as a pat on the back for being such a good girl while they cut off my thumb, but as it turns out I’m still having a bit of a problem staying upright for more than say… 5 minutes. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, we have appointments at 4 houses. All of which are stupidly expensive. All of which are still in Hell. Something isn’t right with this plan.

This Week? More with the housing/packing situation. Less with the dreaming about the random man from War while sleeping next to a warm fiancée. Yeah, those are my goals. Mighty lofty of me, huh?

Oh, and maybe finish my laundry. Maybe.

- Figure out a packing plan.
I don’t know what the next few months will bring, but after reviewing all options I’m slapped in the face with the fact that it is time to start packing. Either I’m relocating with my job hence the need to pack, relocating without my job hence the need to pack, or staying here…which means Jeff will move here…which means I need a bigger place hence the need to pack. I hate packing. HATE.

- Detox.
I’m sluggish and generally feeling bleh. Doing a raw detox worked wonders last time I was feeling like this and continued right up to the time where I started to eat meat again. I think I should take that as a clue and go back to what was working. (and get off the steroids – that will also help tremendously.

- Drink more water.
I was backsliding before War and now after War my water intake isn’t even close to what it should be.

- Laundry.
I was the slacker that didn’t even bother to start unloading her car from War until this weekend. So while most people are either finished or on the tail end of the laundry pile… I? have just started. And as it gets clean it either gets repacked for Lillies or just gets packed.

- Spend more time here.
Contrary to what you might believe, I do actually miss this space. I miss reading friend’s blogs. I miss the life I had when work was just that thing that took up 14 hours of my day instead of the reality of now where I don’t do anything other than work and send Sarah and Jeff snarky emails.

- Spend quality time with my TiVo.
Yeah. I’m actually going to have some schedule some time with my TiVo. I’m running pretty close to full after over a week away. It may even be time to invest in the gadget that allows me to watch my recordings from my laptop that way I can take my TiVo with me when I find myself sleeping at the office.

- Post War analysis.
I have lists that I need to finish. Notes on GNO to add to the file. A Projects list. A things to buy list. I have to figure out what to bribe Bellringer with so he will fix my tent. I have to check on the status of my paella pan set up. New Garb lists. Repair lists. My lists of lists continues to grow… oh and I have to write my post War post. Which you would think wouldn’t be difficult, but you would be wrong.

- New glasses/contacts.
One or the other. But I need to decide soon. Plus figure out how in the hell my new vision plan works.

Okay after the amazing amount of flack I got at War for slacking, I am going to try and make a more concerted effort to update this thing. Try. Really though I am blogging… just not here and not publicly. Sometime in December, Jeff and I created a private blog just for the 2 of us. We have a a lot of catching up to do and we both communicate better by nonverbal means. So we blog. And we send each other songs. And virtual growing flower pots. And it is pathetic. And you really don’t want to be subjected to it.

But first things first -

Dear Baroness Dana,

I was informed last week at War that I have been remiss in my duties and am due a proper outright scolding. I failed to get your phone number while at War and profusely beg your forgiveness. I hope this following post answers any questions you have. If not, please ask and I will strive to further correct the injustice I have caused.

Love,

Sabine

So to cover the highlights before we get to the mandatory War post.

- Yes. Engaged. Me.

I know it might come as shock to about 99% of the population that I managed to get myself tangled up with a guy enough that there is now a ring involved. But hey, wonders never cease.

- Yes. It is Jeff, TheEx from OhSoLongAgo… TheEx from Mexico

- Yes. The proposal was a bit untraditional… but perfect when you consider the parties involved. I mean “Put the damn ring on before I throw you off this damn cliff” isn’t exactly what every girl desires to hear… but it made my heart go all mushy.

- No. I’m not moving back to Mexico. He will come to me. Wherever that ends up being.

- Yes. There is going to be an actual real live wedding. Probably sometime next spring. And yes, everyone will be invited. Unless I get fed up with the supreme effort of planning, then all of you might just get a text message from Vegas.

- Yes. I’m still adjusting.

- Yes. We did go about this a little backwards. I understand that getting back together with your Ex after 10 years of being mostly apart doesn’t normally get kicked off with a proposal. But apparently both TheFiancée and I have the same brand of crazy cause it makes sense to us (crazy sense, but sense).

The road isn’t totally covered in roses and sunshine. We are discovering that both of us have picked up some bad habits in our years apart… and that some of the quirks that irked us previously haven’t magically disappeared as we once hoped.

I’m still one that panics at the thought of total commitment, and when he describes our love he uses words like destiny and eternity. His life is an open book, and I work too hard to compartmentalize too many aspects of my life. I work off a schedule, a plan, and half a dozen to do lists, and he still the most laid back man I’ve ever met. He knows exactly what he wants from life and me. I don’t know what I want for dinner. But he is the man that has never once asked me to make a food decision. He is the only man I know that can actually pull off ordering for me in a restaurant. And he is the man that will paddle me down the river when my arms get tired and I get cranky. He sleeps like the dead and never notices my fidgeting. He tolerates my books and even remembers the name of my “bathtub book” author. He pretends not to enjoy my need to enrich his life with more culture than he can at times handle. And when I look into his eyes, I see a quiet confidence and a cool assertiveness that can make me forget to breathe.*

He is the only man I’ve ever loved. And I think he may be the only man capable of loving me just as I am. And if we can’t make it work then I’m fairly certain I’m just a lost cause.

Other than that not much is new in my world as long as you have stayed caught up on your current events. Cause if you do then you already know the current state of my chosen industry and hence the reason why I’m still living in Hell. Although the idea has recently surfaced that maybe it is time for a career change, I’m having an incredibly hard time giving up on that stable paycheck that supports in the ways I have become accustomed to.

And I promise that I’m working on a War post…

_{* and yes, he can quote Poe.}

CinnKitty asked for a photo - so here goes…

What? Not the photo you were expecting?

Well it is time for that good ol’ monthly update I guess.

First off I’m not in Hell. Haven’t been for a few weeks. I’m on the other side of the world in place that is actually more pretentious than Hell. Yeah. Malibu.

I’m here to head up our emergency assessment units after the California wildfires. There are some perks to the assignment but none of them really even begin to balance out the horrors I’m seeing everyday. It’s a tough time and I still have a few more weeks to go.

To bring a bit of levity to our situation the group (there are 10 of us all sharing this huge house) we have all reverted back to our college days. There is the all night partying, with the drinking and the loud music and me coming out of my bedroom in the morning to stumble over guys passed out on the floor in the living room next to half empty pizza boxes. I feel like I’m living in a frat house… but I’m finding that after the week I’ve had it isn’t really all that bad. We find ways to cope.

My ways have varied slightly (although I have, admittedly, done a good bit of my own drinking). I’ve gone shopping. Lots of shopping. I managed to check off another of the “1001 things Sabine must do before she dies” when I purchased a pair shoes that cost me more than what I pay in rent. Before I leave I plan to take full advantage of my temporary home and venture down into the L.A. garment district. My fabric stash has fallen under 200 yards – this must be remedied.

Other important news would be that a few months ago as I was preparing to book my annual trip to Mexico for Thanksgiving; I got a call from Jeff. He informed me that instead of visiting him this year that he was coming to me. After some freaking out, I started to get excited. Then word came down that I would be in California for Thanksgiving. It took a bit of a group effort, but plans were rearranged and now I’m here and Jeff is with me. We even have plans to take us away from here for the holiday. My assistant was able to score us a reservation at a resort outside of Sonoma for Thanksgiving. Then we are going to head North to do some exploring before heading back here next week.

Then I should be heading back home sometime in the 2^nd week of December for some well deserved alone time.

Oh and before I left I finally, after a 6 month hiatus, got my ass into my car and went to an event. Of course that event was in Texas and I decided on Tuesday that I was going, and then proceeded to frantically run around my house looking for pieces of my kit, that I hadn’t seen since Gulf, until I left Thursday night. But it was totally worth it. I was able to surprise a lot of people that I love (because on that of short of notice I decided not to tell anyone that I was going) and have some good girl time with Sarah. I actually enjoyed myself at an event for the first time in probably close to 2 years. I was beginning to wonder if I was actually ever going to be able to enjoy myself at an event again. But I did, even more I’m actually looking forward to being able to do it again. So who knows you people may actually see me sometime before March… maybe.

Well since someone so succinctly asked where the fuck I’ve been for the past 6 weeks…

The short answer? At home in bed.

The longer answer? When last you left your heroine she was preparing to take 2 weeks off work for some well deserved vacationing. She had a very long list of places to visit and people to see. However the industry she works in experienced some problems… problems that caused many companies to fold and the stock market to crash… problems that allowed me to discover that it really is possible to work 120 hours in 6 days and not see sunlight for any of it.

So getting out of town didn’t happen… what vacation I did have consisted of me sleeping in my own bed which was a novel concept after 2 weeks of sleeping at my office, sharing one couch with my assistant,… and a trip to the outlet mall.

Then the problems started. The weekend I was supposed to be living it up in the wilds of West Texas? Pain.

Pain led to infection.
Infection led to surgery.
Surgery led to recovery.
Recovery led to complications.
Complications led to more recovery.

And finally here we are. Sunday was the first time in a month that I was able to eat something more solid than yogurt. I’ve wanted onion rings for 2 weeks – I had those yesterday. I’m getting my energy back now that I’m able to get back to a regular (for me) sleep schedule and getting some real food in me. I still have to irrigate out my wounds 3 or 4 times a day. But mainly life consists of working all that I can, then sleeping, and more trips to Smoothie King than can possibly be healthy for one human.

And TV. I’ve worked my way through –
Rome Seasons 1&2.
Dexter Season 1 (twice) … (the best show on TV today)
Brotherhood Season 1
Nip/Tuck Season 4 (also in the top 5)
ER Seasons 6-8 … and part of 9 but the show starts to go down hill after Mark dies.
(seriously - there wasn’t exactly a lot sleeping to be had)

and now the Fall TV season has started so I have all sorts of shows to watch and fall in love with so they can get cancelled after 4 weeks. (still bitter over Fox canceling Reunion. Bastards.)

So there you go. I warned you I might not be around much. This wasn’t really what I meant but being online just hasn’t been in the cards lately. Although it has had a rather insulating effect. Not only do I have no idea what is going on in the personal worlds of friends outside of a few. I haven’t kept track of the world in general which makes phone conversations great. I hadn’t heard about the hurricane or the rioting… I hadn’t even realized that the football season had started until I was confronted with the reality of living within 10 minutes of one of the top 10 college teams. I did know about the Britney debacle but only because I got to watch that live.

And I’ve officially used all the energy I have so that means I get to take a nap now. NightNight.

The actual reason why I decided to jump on board with this little project is because the other day, I noticed that in Sarah’s post about her new hair routine that CinnKitty asked about whether there were other options and if she could take baby steps towards “alternative” hair care. And the resounding answer is “YES!!!”

See, Sarah got lucky and it seems that the first method she tried is going to work out really well for her, but there are plenty of other options out there. In an effort to find the perfect method for me and my hair (henceforth referred to as the holy grail… Christ I’m even going to use the crazy bus speak as well, aren’t I??) I’ve tried just about all of them and still haven’t found which one is the absolutely perfect one for me, my hair, my lifestyle, and my environment (ok well maybe I have, but I’m only a week in so things could still feasibly go down hill from here.) So today for those of you interested I’ll list some of the various options and throw in some hair education (all of which you will be tested on before you are assigned a seat on the batshitcrazy bus) as well. Ready?

Things you are trying avoid –

First, harsh detergents and chemicals in shampoo. Mainly? Sulfates. The 2 most common are SLS (sodium laurel sulfate) and SLES (sodium laureth sulfate), SLS had an original intended purpose as a grease solvent, but nowadays makes its living cleaning various parts of our bodies. Honestly our bodies aren’t that dirty, and if they are we are actually doing it to ourselves. Sulfates are harsh detergents. They will get out anything you manage to put in your hair – dirt, grime, styling products, and sweat. They will also strip your hair of all its natural oils leaving your hair feeling not so wonderful and not so manageable. So you condition, right? And you condition with a product packed with silicone.

Remember those Pantene commercials with the little gold bubbles that would swim around the hair strands and bind to hair and then magically repair the hair strand? Yeah. Silicone. And the hair isn’t repaired. It’s been magically caulked, and that caulking will build up, and will need to be removed, and the best way to remove a silicone is with a harsh sulfate detergent. So you begin to feed a fairly vicious cycle so the second item on the list of things to avoid? Silicone in conditioner and styling products.

You have learned to read the labels of what you eat now learn to read the labels on your beauty products

So now you know what to avoid…
Your most common options for alternative hair care are –

Pseudo Natural –
These are incredibly similar to the same drug store hair products you will find anywhere except they lack the items you are trying to avoid. Pseudo Natural allows you to break that cycle but still gives you that normal feeling of having your shampoo and conditioner. They still have some sort of cleaning agent in the shampoos but typically are considered to be much healthier for you hair and instead of silicone they use plant derived butters and oils in the conditioners.

As with all of these options there is an adjustment period, but this is by far the easiest transition.

While not the method I’m currently using, this method works great with my hair. I use the Giovanni hair line. They make excellent products and my hair really responds well to them. Best of all most major health food stores and organic grocers that offer “bulk bin” shopping will offer Pseudo Natural shampoo and conditioners on the bulk bin aisle to you can bring your own bottles from home and just refill them. Not only do you get the discount of not having to pay new for packaging but you save the earth the stress of having even more plastic out in circulation.

All Natural –
All Natural is where you start to really truly venture into “alternative” – these are the products that are 100% percent derived from natural resources. You can still have your traditional shampoo/conditioner method, but once you open the product you are going to notice a huge difference in what you are working with. Mainly the shampoo, being void of all detergent and cleaning agents, won’t lather – which means that you have to rely on the essential oils in the product and your own physical scrubbing of your scalp to clean your scalp. Also your conditioner won’t resemble normal conditioner in its texture – You won’t see your typical cream based conditioner inside the bottle. Instead the texture will be a bit milky or even possibly oil based.

The adjustment period here may even take longer because not only are you working with the differences in the products but also these products are where you have to start really paying attention to what your hair wants/needs and developing a technique. How long do you need to scrub your scalp? How long do you need to rinse? Does all you hair need washing/conditioning or just your scalp/length? Everybody’s hair is different so everyone’s technique is different.

If you live in a major city you should be able to find All Natural hair products, but it may take some searching almost all your popular Natural brands are mostly Pseudo Naturals and they may only offer one option for All Natural. Read your labels and the internet is your friend.

Water only –
Now this was a fun one to try. This is your “extreme measure” – water only. It actually does work and I know a woman in Ansteorra/Texas with the most beautiful hair that I have ever seen in my life. I covet her hair. Her secret? For the last 15 or so years, she washes her hair once a week with lukewarm water only, and I promise you, her hair is absolutely gorgeous.

As you can imagine the transition can take up to a few months since not only are you weaning yourself off all products, but you actually have to train your scalp to produce less oil. And there is a lot of scrubbing involved. That is ultimately why this process doesn’t work for me. My hair is just too delicate to stand up the vigorous scrubbing needed to accomplish cleaning your hair with nothing but water.

If you can do this and make it work for you I envy you, and want your hair.

This is probably as good of a place as any to mention that half the fun of alternative hair care is the trial and error part. There will be hair disasters. Your friends will laugh at you. But one morning you will also realize the joys of making an all natural hair mask in your blender that makes your hair shine like it did back when you where in a kid, and it will all be worth it. Onwards…

Water with baking soda –
This is Sarah’s method. The only method on this list I haven’t tried. Again my hair is far too delicate for it. The one time I tried to clarify my hair with baking soda it took weeks before my hair forgave me, and I’m fairly certain that if brought it into the shower again all my hair would jump off my head and hide under the sink, but I know tons of people who swear by this method and you have Sarah as even more proof.

Shampoo Bars –
Yeah.Soap.In.Your.Hair. I love it. My hair loves it. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner. As I said earlier there is still a chance that after some of the newness of the product wears off the results won’t be so fantabulous, but right now shampoo bars are the reason why the sun came up this morning. I love them so much I’m actually comfortable enough to actually say “LOOK at my HAIR!!”

That? Is my hair one week into nothing but soap (Herb Garden) and water - no styling products - no conditioner - nothing. And? That is 2nd day hair. Yeah, I’ve slept on that… twice.

100% all natural! – They last forever! – Minimal packaging! – Cheap! – Easy! - Travel Friendly!

Some people need a vinegar rinse like Sarah has been doing with the baking soda, some people need to use conditioner, but not me – I haven’t needed either. Really, I can’t say enough good things about them. They rock. I love them, and I hope I still love them when I come back from vacation.

If you are interested (that might even be a dare), this is where I buy mine from - http://chagrinvalleysoapandcraft.com/

Read the info on the site thoroughly because she provides a lot of great info regarding hair types and troubleshooting any problems you may have with them. But the samples are cheap and if they don’t work out for you; you still have some great soap!

….Second Round….

She really tested me right out of the gate, huh? But it actually proves the point fairly well. While her irrigation system rocks there is no feasible way that I can model anything like that to water my container garden on my balcony of my Condo here in Hell… but I wasn’t going to give up on my first challenge that easily. I sat here and I thought to myself that there has to be something I have done that mirrors her efforts…

So I thought.

And I thought.

Water.

Flowing.

Bill Saver.

Watering.

Water.

Oh.

Wait that’s easy.

(Read on …)

After talking some things over with Sarah we have hit on this idea – as you have already seen Sarah is doing a new weekly segment on the things that she is doing to help green up her lifestyle and after some thought I’m jumping on board so that I can offer a different point of view and hopefully that way readers can see that there isn’t only one path to a greener life.

Sarah and I started making small changes to our lives at about the same time, but for very different reasons.  If I remember correctly, her first jump was recycling while mine was Hair and Beauty related.  Sarah is the good girl; she actually started making changes to her lifestyle that would directly impact her effect on the environment.  I?  Well, I was incredibly personally driven at the start.  I needed a new beauty routine that was simple, natural, and healthier for my body (and hair) and if in the process I helped the environment then I got a shiny gold star.  

Now I will admit that my focus has swung around a bit, I have since made changes solely based on trying to decrease my impact on our viable resources, but my personal focus honestly still remains fairly firmly in the realm of what is going to lead me towards a healthy lifestyle.  Whereas Sarah’s focus is a bit more balanced. She cares equally about herself and her impact which in my eyes makes her the much bigger person out of the 2 of us and gives me something to aspire too.

The other major difference between our chosen paths is our locale and the adaptations we have to make based on where we live.  Sarah lives in a rural area while I live in a major metropolitan area.  While Sarah has the space and ability to grow her own foods, I have to search out local markets that can provide locally grown organic options.  And while I have the ability to locate a wide spectrum of “green” products from butter or yogurt (organically made less than 10 miles from my house with no preservatives or fillers added andpackaged especially for me in my own “brought from home” container) to cleaning products, Sarah doesn’t have that type of retail structure around her and often finds that the easiest solution is to make the product herself.  Simply put – I buy pickles just like the ones Sarah makes.  (And trust me, in my home pickles are a necessary substance of life.) 

So in the coming weeks, as Sarah posts her transitions look for me to follow up about what I am also doing to reach the same goal, because chances are Sarah and I will be on 2 completely different paths to that goal and hopefully one or the other or something else in between will work for you.

So this is going to be a hard post to write, so you get to bear with me.

You have noticed (and commented) that the posting here has drifted to almost nonexistent … not quite but almost. The honest truth is that I’m avoiding. I’m avoiding because the thoughts first and foremost in my mind are things I don’t want to talk about with anyone, and yes that even includes you. Because really? I’m not comfortable with putting the thought “I’m not happy with the life I’m leading” into words. But frankly I’m fairly miserable and I’ve finally reached that point where I’m tired of ignoring the misery every time it slaps me in my faux-smiling face. So I’m changing it. And it is hard. And slow. And I’m not really proud of the fact that once again I have landed myself in a predicament that turns my life into something dismal.

On paper, I’m a chick who has her shit together. I live in the state of perpetual sun. In the “it” neighborhood with a great townhome that is beautifully decorated. I have a job that people would trip over themselves just for the opportunity to have a job like this one with great benefits and even better perks. Best of all? I’m the boss of everything in front of me with no one to answer to but a silly board of directors. My salary is enough that allows me to be able to do or buy whatever I want without any money concerns and still be able to stash 60% of it away for the day when I can say “FUCK YOU!” to the Establishment and become the crazy old witch in the old house at the top of the hill that the kids dare each other to run up and touch my front door every Halloween (cause that is the only reason I’m still living this life. Seriously.)

I’m living the life that every young hot shot professional dreams of (except for maybe the crazy old witch part). But I’m too tired to care. And I hate it. I finally hate it enough that I’m doing something about it.

For the past 6 months I’ve been making changes where I could and battling with myself over major decisions. Trying to figure out what is going to make me happy – adapting me to my life or adapting my life to me. And really I think my answer lies somewhere in between.

Some things are up in the air still. Even some of the major things – like where I’m going to live and what I’m going to do. But I have a deadline. March 31^st my lease expires here… and I’m leaving. I don’t know where I’ll be going (although I have some ideas). I don’t know if it will be a job transfer or if I will be striking out on my own. But on April 1^st – I won’t be here. That is my number one priority and the reason why I still get out of bed everyday, and yes that even means that if I have to pass on Gulf Wars this year to get that goal accomplished then that is exactly what will happen.

I’ve learned a hard lesson. I can’t allow my career or my locale to define who I am. Who I am has to be malleable to those aspects but not delimited by them. For too long I’ve allowed certain expectations to be laid upon me about how I should behave or dress, about what I should consume or entertain myself with, and far too often my opinions have not matched those expectations but I’ve given in and ultimately sacrificed my own expectations. Somewhere along that path I left myself behind and have continued to feed TheMachine. What saddens me the most is that now I look back at some decisions I made and if I’m honest to myself I can admit that I actually regret them. Fuck the “I made a mistake, but I’ve learned from it, and it will make me a better a person” bullshit speech. I fucked up. I missed out. I can’t get back the time I lost. And I fucking regret it.

So there have been changes and there will be more.

Some have been minor – like throwing away that absolutely putrid coffee table that the decorator insisted was a must for my living room or deciding to go back to natural nails.

Some have been fairly major – like becoming an official card carrying vegetarian (complete with newsletter!) and realizing that it is okay to start living on your body’s schedule even if that means eating your meals at times others consider to be inconvenient or pissing off neighbors with 3 a.m. vacuuming because they can’t understand that not everyone can sleep on their schedule.

Every change is a triumph for me, a small thing for me to be proud of, but it is also a private thing for me. These are things I keep close to myself because admitting to the achievement is admitting to the flaw that needed to be addressed. And posting this entry is using up just about all the guts I have to spare.

All of this blabbering is really just me giving a well deserved explanation about my absence not only from this blog but from a few other internet haunts I would normally be frequenting. Before this my life was busy and that hasn’t lessened. If anything life now takes up more time than ever and it doesn’t leave my much time for the lazy things – like the internet.

I’m not saying goodbye. I’m not saying that I’m closing this place down. But I am letting you know that if you are still one of the few that pop in every day only to be disappointed when you see nothing has changed – I’m sorry. And I won’t be pissed if you stop checking in everyday. In fact – if you so choose to utilize it, I tweaked the guts a bit and added a new function for members. If you log in and go to your profile page there is a spot at the bottom on the left where you can now opt to be emailed anytime a new post (however infrequent) pops in.

And as small as that is, it is really the best I can offer right now. You aren’t going to see me around much in the coming months. Be it here, in the forums, or even in person. Sometimes focus has to go elsewhere. And right now? It is time for me to take care of me.

Yes, the hair looks great… or at least it should look great. You see the current problem with my hair is that it is attached to my head which currently contains a raging sinus infection. A raging sinus infection that my doctor saw fit to use an excuse to drug me into oblivion. As such in the past 72 hours I’ve slept over 60, and can still barely keep my eyes open. And the hair? Well I’m sure that once I manage to stay vertical long enough to do more than brush my teeth then the hair will rock more than my hair has rocked in sososo long.

Now if you will excuse me, I’ve been awake for 15 minutes and that is about 13.5 minutes too long.

(you should know that I actually wrote this at about 8 a.m. this morning but then fell asleep before I could get it posted… like “laptop in my lap” asleep… “laptop in my lap and 40 pages of skdkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkdkkkkkkk when I woke up” asleep.)

Awhile back I conducted a poll regarding the typical cost of my readers’ shampoo and conditioner. I did this for a reason, of course. Mainly I’ve finally reached my wits end. Years ago now, when I was still living in Texas and my hair magically turned curly on me I panicked because I had no idea how to handle and maintain the new hair. I was an incredibly low maintenance chick when my hair was straight. Pantene shampoo and conditioner - every day – brush – air dry. That was it; that was my hair routine. I had never had any use with gel, mousse, hairspray… I didn’t own a curling iron, a hair dryer, or curlers, because no matter what I did to my hair it was going to look exactly the same. It was going to be long and straight.

Then it went curly and all hell broke lose. Pantene started destroying my hair, and I had to learn to maneuver between the approximately 785 various products specifically designed to make my curls looked marvelous. And you know what? Nothing worked. I end up moving to a “salon” shampoo and conditioner (Biolage) and I discovered the trick to taming my curls. A spray bottle… filled with water. Tap water… from my sink. And all the sudden I was back to a low maintenance routine. Shampoo – condition – brush – scrunch – and just as my hair finished air drying a light mist of water to tame out the frizzies.

But honestly? I didn’t know what frizzies really were… until I moved here. To place that keeps 100% humidity year round. To a place where you need to learn how to drink your air.

Then the real problems began and I wound up back in that hair care aisle. Oddly enough I’ve looked thru all the comments left regarding the poll, and you know what? I’ve tried each and every one of the products noted. It was horrible. Something would work fine for a few weeks then I would start waking up with this afro halo thing working. Almost a year ago, I found a guy that I really enjoyed how he worked with my hair he sympathized with all my problems and really went above and beyond the call to help me find a solution that didn’t involve me enlisting in Moose’s outlook on hair care. We had just found my perfect solution when the new meds kicked in and the synthetic hormones started to course and all of the sudden we were back at square one.

And all this time he had been after me to try Bumble and Bumble products… but at 30-something dollars per 8 oz. bottle, I just couldn’t justify it until all other options had been exhausted.

I reached that point about a month ago.

And caved and purchased B&B Curls line for fine hair (shampoo, conditioner, curl crème at $24 per bottle on sale.) I knew it was stupid money to spend on hair products but I helped in justifying that I had a bit saved in the bank because unlike all my other female friends I have never dyed my hair. And since my Mother spends $60 a month getting her hair dyed … this kinda just evens the karma out.

Life was great… for a week. Then my hair started falling out. Not like a little shedding (cause I always shed) no I’m talking handfuls. Then? Anywhere the conditioner touched my body? I broke out. Bad.

Now I was incredibly lucky in high school. I remember when I got my first pimple. I was a freshman in college… the day before homecoming. By the night of the dance? Gone. To say I was blessed with great skin (sans the stupid freckles) would be an understatement. So yeah I freaked the holy hell out. I called everyone I knew that I thought could answer my questions. Then I posted every question I could think of to every forum and list I’m active in that I felt was applicable.

The support I got was overwhelming. But it filtered into 2 distinct categories of thought -

1 – Throw away all hair products immediately and move to a natural and organic line sans harsh chemicals.

2 – Get thee to Cynthia immediately.

Natural hair products were easy. A trip to my organic market offered me a wealth of goodies, and now 2 weeks in my hair is showing drastic improvement. The best discovery was working with a holistic esthetician on learning the right essentials oils to apply to my hair and scalp. She helped me create a customized oil for nightly scalp massages that will help reduce my shedding and encourage my new growth to come in thicker and stronger than before. Then showed me the proper oil for my hair type so I could do a hot oil treatment a few times a week to the full length to help condition and thicken. 2 weeks in and the results are nothing short of amazing. Everyone stops and asks what in the hell I did to my hair, for the first time in a very long time I’m happy with my hair. It takes a lot more work than I would like, but you find a routine that is producing results and you make it work.

Now getting in to see Cynthia? Was a little more difficult. You see Cynthia is considered to be one of the top 10 stylists in the country for curly hair. Women fly in from all over for her to work her magic. Her reviews online are flawless and have been so for years (seriously I scanned all the back to 2004 and didn’t find anyone that thought she was not worth the time/effort/money). And as luck would have it her shop is 90 minutes from my house. So I caved. I called for an appointment and only slightly winced when informed of the cost. Taking the first available appointment she had available – I ended up with a Thursday at 3:00 p.m. appt… 3 weeks out. Which now means that today, I get to go see Cynthia the supposed miracle worker. And for the first time in my life I’m ready to sit down in a chair and let a stylist do whatever the hell she wants to do with my hair.

And I hope that isn’t a mistake.

So if you have any spare karma saved up in the bank that you would like to donate to a good cause send it out around 3, please? And if not? Maybe a wig will do.

So I took some vacation days. Actually I’m taking a lot of vacation days in the coming months (big Texas trip in the works), but knowing that me traveling to Texas even if I am going to be gone for 14 days is by no means a vacation - I took a few days off in July as well for some real r&r. But I really didn’t have a clue what I was actually going to do with my time off. Sarah voted for a cruise. Mike voted for getting hitched in Vegas. But in the end I decided to give the long weekend what it really deserves.

You see, it is Harry Potter weekend. And I’m used to doing something big on Harry Potter weekends. I have very fond memories $100 meals and fancy dresses. I mean really you take a book designed for junior high kids and you make it into a national phenomenon that makes every adult want to join in on the fanaticism but then all the celebrating is geared towards a 12 year old girl who gets to stay up past bedtime.

So as adults we can either sneak into a Walmart at midnight and grab our copy with a rotisserie chicken or we can make a big deal out of the event all on our own. I’ve tried both and frankly? I like an excuse to dress up much better.

So this year, I’m taking a few days off holing myself up on a little island in the luxury suite of the local b&b. I’ve also managed to secure a full day at one of the local spas on Friday in preparation for the long weekend of marathon reading.

My requirements were all based on prime places to spend time lost in a book.

A bed with a view –

A Jacuzzi tub –

A comfy couch –

So all in all I don’t think I did that bad… and really a lounge chair on the beach is just a bonus.

_{Please no one call attention to the flaw in the plan. I realize I have opted to vacation in the middle of hurricane season on a tiny island in the Atlantic Ocean. I’m fully aware of the disaster potential, but at least if I’m stranded I’ll have the book to keep me company.}

There is a boy in my bed…

Not that that is an all together bad thing, I’ve actually quite enjoyed his company and have had no desire to send him to the couch… or back to his own bed, but reality is? It’s odd.

I mean first he is sleeping on the wrong side of the bed. I didn’t even know I had a right side of the bed until I wasn’t sleeping on it. I should be asleep right now, instead of blogging… and I would be asleep if he wasn’t sleeping on the wrong side of the bed. I’m letting it slide tonight since he managed to gank his shoulder today, but tomorrow during breakfast there will be some rules laid out.

Then second it has been a long time since someone shared my bed with me. In fact it has been well over a year and half and if we are actually going to get into particulars the last guy is the same guy currently not snoring (thank you god) on my side of the bed (damn bastard). But nevertheless a girl grows used to having her bed all to herself. At least we sleep well together (when he isn’t sleeping on my side of the bed), and never once has he questioned my fanatical need to change out my bed linens every day. He even changed out everything himself after he woke up this morning (since I had long since left for work).

And he’s put up with all the funny foods (damn hippy), the cluttered bathrooms (damn product junkie), the general lack of caffeine in the house (damn purist), and the fact that I won’t date him (damn commitment-phobe) heroically well. Not to mention last night when I went and had a complete and total mental breakdown over a children’s book he didn’t look for an excuse to make a quick exit, and frankly I would not have blamed him. (note to self: add that to things that need to be blogged about)

So there you go – boy in my bed for the last 4 nights (with 1 or 2 more to go) and no one has died. That’s my weekend.