Life is starting not to suck so much. Maybe. If you didn’t already know my life pretty much fell apart about a week ago. I’m not really cool with going into the details here, but just understand it was bad. Really bad. And I did what I always try to do when life gets too tough, I crawled into a hole and tried to cease to exist. Which didn’t work especially since someone out there activated the bat signal and Safiye came to the rescue and is putting her husband on plane to come down and fix my shit… and pack my shit. Because I finally get to leave this hellhole. True, I am doing it with a helluva lot less pride than I came here with. But at least I’m leaving.

I will no longer be keeping this website active (surprise surprise). It just isn’t really me anymore. Not to mention that I don’t even live in a condo anymore and in less than 15 days I won’t even live in Hell.

But I have started a plurk account. Over the next 6 weeks I’m not going to be at a computer that often because the current travel plan involves 7 states, 4 events, and numerous friends willing to tolerate me sleeping on their couches and using all their hot water… not to mention almost 3300 miles of up close and personal time with just my new SUV to keep me company. So I needed to find a way that I could keep in touch (using my Blackberry) with everyone curious about tracking my route but something simple enough that I could do while driving. I suspect you will hear a lot from me over these next few weeks (via plurk) because 3300 miles is a lot of time with just you and your mind on an empty highway.

(there was going to be a mopey goodbye here but after spending the day talking to friends trying to get plans worked out I feel all loved and warm and gooey on the inside to be mopey)

Onto Plurkdom!!!

“You know I tried.”

(Read on …)

I hesitate to show this to ya’ll, but I feel that this was the intention when I wrote it.  So I present it with some clarifications:  I wrote this on my BlackBerry sometime after 5 a.m. this morning.  When I was supposed to be asleep.  And since I have no recollection of typing it, I may actually have been asleep.  What I do know is that I was drugged out of mind with both OTC and prescription meds. Everything that could possibly have helped any of my ailments, from Advil to Zyrtec, was consumed.

So here you go - me… unaltered.

And now I’m going back to sleep.
(Read on …)

While waiting, I have -

- bought a car.
- started packing.
- debated with myself the best way to get rid of the shit I don’t want to store. (ebay/craigslist or an old fashioned garage sale)
- become incredibly disappointed that I won’t just be able to post pics on my blog of all the stuff I want to sell like last time.
- and with a glimmer of hope, I have started planning out a Fall Tourney season that is based on me not living in Hell.

And my wait might be coming to an end.  Today at 2 pm EST, I have a conference call with Corporate.  No one will tell me what it is regarding. I can only hope that it is them telling me to get the fuck out.

Scratch all that.  Conference call was a big circle jerk filled with people patting everyone on the back for how great they are handling all this.  Oh and lies. Lots of lying.  So I’m still waiting.  Maybe I could start my own Ebay business…

Layoffs started on Friday.

I have been told unofficially that I am part of the Phase 2 layoffs and that Phase 2 starts on or around Aug 25th (which was Aug 1st… and then Aug 18th).  And that depending on various things I could be asked to stay and work 30 to 90 days and in some cases until the end of the year. Of course when they say “asked to stay” they actually mean “do whatever we want or you won’t get your package.”

FunTimesAllAround.

I may have found a loophole that will get me out of this place sooner rather later but in an effort to not rock the boat it will be the card I play when nothing else is going the right way.

I just want to know. And then I just want to get out of here.

Sabine: Bellringer just punked your cat on my blog
Sarah: That’s one of the strangest emails I’ve ever had in my inbox.
Sabine: I do what I can.
Sabine: Trying to put something in perspective… how much would you say Moose weighs?
Sarah: In the 300s; maybe around 350?
Sabine: really? so 6′6″ and 260 is almost gaunt then.
Sarah: Squid is 275 and 6′5.
Sabine:I have never considered Squid to be that tall… but now that you mention it I did have to stand on my tiptoes to bite his nipple off.
Sarah: He’s a tall dude. And kinda lanky, in a way. Your hypothetical man is pretty damned scrawny.  Or lithe, possibly.
Sabine: 3 hours and still on the phone with TheEx.
Sarah:You really should stop that.
Sabine: I did.  I had to before we got back into that habit of talking endlessly to each other for day’s on end.  Can’t have that.
Sarah: Yeah.  I’m thinking that should be filed directly under “NO GOOD CAN COME OF THIS” and run through the virus scanner. 
Sabine: Right?  My only defense is that I am in the office and so damned bored.  There are only so many people online that I can bug. Even punking the guys on CL is getting old.
Sarah: Honey, then start a damned WOW account.  Go find some meth brittle.  Hell, go meet one of your Craigslist friends for coffee and heroin.  I think that any of those options would be far more safe and rational than talking with the guy who somehow forgot to break up with you.  RUN!
Sabine: Ok, but when you end up having to sneak me contraband into rehab I plan on reminding you of this moment.  Right.Here.  Being Nice to an Ex or Shooting Heroin with Random Strangers Who Don’t Own Pants.  You chose B.
Sarah: You know, when you put it that way, you make me seem quite irrational.
Sabine: And to think TheEx had such nice things to say about you.
Sarah: Yeah, but I haven’t ever ditched one of his nearest and dearest.  You can forgive and forget- that’s cool.  I’ll just hold onto this here grudge until it’s needed again.  It’s good company.
Sabine:K.  I’m going to go shoot heroin now.  Wish me luck!

Currently seeking additional persons of interest available to continuously email with Sarah and I during business hours … we need more to help balancing out the crazy that ensues when I don’t have work to occupy my brain.

Thursday was supposed to be the day.  Thursday was supposed to be the day that Jeff was actually going to finally get his ass on a plane.  He had a flight booked and everything… until I had to call and ask him to stay put.

Let’s rewind a bit.  That house?  The one you see below?  I didn’t get that house.  The day before I was to sign the papers I was informed that I was being relocated to an office about an hour north from my current office.  And about a 90 minute drive from the new house without traffic.  Since I was already having cold feet about the house I took this as a sign that I needed to back out and frantically set to searching for a new house.  Which I found about 20 minutes from the new office.  It isn’t anything special but it fit our needs and was vacant. 

So I packed.

And packed.

And threw away more shit than you can imagine (I had only lived in that townhouse for 3 years so I have no idea where it all came from)

And at the end of May, I moved.

Then I unpacked. I hung curtains (48 in total) and art. 

And by the end of June I had just about everything put in its proper place, except for the bookshelves (waiting for one the boys to come and help). And Jeff had most of his stuff in Mexico on pallets waiting for the next freighter. 

And we were giddy and giggly … then my boss calls.

(Read on …)

I have a house…. actually no. *We* now have a house. A thought that hasn’t yet failed to induce a panic attack every morning at about 3 a.m. since I looked into Jeff’s eyes and thought to myself that he just may love the house more than he loves me.

We looked at a LOT of homes. We fell in love with one only to have it swept out from underneath us. Then we looked at about 35 other homes that met our criteria (progressively getting higher in price) before we found IT (at double the price of the first one we fell in love with).

It really is a great house. But the price? Scares the shit out of me. From the front yard it looks normal, I mean sure you have to go through so much security that you start to feel like you are guarded by secret service agents to get to it. But once you can actually stand in the front yard it appears to be a normal 3/2/2/2.

(Read on …)

Ok there was going to be a War post, but really there isn’t much to say. War rocked. I finally stopped being a idiot and just camped in the place I belonged. I did what I wanted. I hung out with who I wanted to. I ignored the rest. Life was good. Life was even perfect. Why? Because I passed on all the damn drama.

Sarah and I managed to exceed even our wildest expectations with Girls’ Night Out. I never hit bottom. I never said “fuck this shit I want to go home.” I worked when I wanted to. Played when I didn’t. I was actually sorry to leave to site. I met new people. I bonded with old friends.

There you go. My War update.

Last week? I busted ass trying to find a new house. I had to bust ass because I really needed to have a few picked out by the time Jeff’s plane landed. Normally I would have been incredibly excited to see Jeff except this time I knew the only reason why he was here is so he could take me to the hospital. I had ThatThing removed yesterday. You know ThatThing, the one that looks strangely like a tumor. When I woke up they told me everything went really well, they also promised that they managed to remove ThatThing without removing my entire thumb. However I have yet to actually see (or for that matter feel) my thumb, so I think they may be lying to me.

I had planned on getting my haircut today as a pat on the back for being such a good girl while they cut off my thumb, but as it turns out I’m still having a bit of a problem staying upright for more than say… 5 minutes. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, we have appointments at 4 houses. All of which are stupidly expensive. All of which are still in Hell. Something isn’t right with this plan.

This Week? More with the housing/packing situation. Less with the dreaming about the random man from War while sleeping next to a warm fiancée. Yeah, those are my goals. Mighty lofty of me, huh?

Oh, and maybe finish my laundry. Maybe.

- Figure out a packing plan.
I don’t know what the next few months will bring, but after reviewing all options I’m slapped in the face with the fact that it is time to start packing. Either I’m relocating with my job hence the need to pack, relocating without my job hence the need to pack, or staying here…which means Jeff will move here…which means I need a bigger place hence the need to pack. I hate packing. HATE.

- Detox.
I’m sluggish and generally feeling bleh. Doing a raw detox worked wonders last time I was feeling like this and continued right up to the time where I started to eat meat again. I think I should take that as a clue and go back to what was working. (and get off the steroids – that will also help tremendously.

- Drink more water.
I was backsliding before War and now after War my water intake isn’t even close to what it should be.

- Laundry.
I was the slacker that didn’t even bother to start unloading her car from War until this weekend. So while most people are either finished or on the tail end of the laundry pile… I? have just started. And as it gets clean it either gets repacked for Lillies or just gets packed.

- Spend more time here.
Contrary to what you might believe, I do actually miss this space. I miss reading friend’s blogs. I miss the life I had when work was just that thing that took up 14 hours of my day instead of the reality of now where I don’t do anything other than work and send Sarah and Jeff snarky emails.

- Spend quality time with my TiVo.
Yeah. I’m actually going to have some schedule some time with my TiVo. I’m running pretty close to full after over a week away. It may even be time to invest in the gadget that allows me to watch my recordings from my laptop that way I can take my TiVo with me when I find myself sleeping at the office.

- Post War analysis.
I have lists that I need to finish. Notes on GNO to add to the file. A Projects list. A things to buy list. I have to figure out what to bribe Bellringer with so he will fix my tent. I have to check on the status of my paella pan set up. New Garb lists. Repair lists. My lists of lists continues to grow… oh and I have to write my post War post. Which you would think wouldn’t be difficult, but you would be wrong.

- New glasses/contacts.
One or the other. But I need to decide soon. Plus figure out how in the hell my new vision plan works.

Okay after the amazing amount of flack I got at War for slacking, I am going to try and make a more concerted effort to update this thing. Try. Really though I am blogging… just not here and not publicly. Sometime in December, Jeff and I created a private blog just for the 2 of us. We have a a lot of catching up to do and we both communicate better by nonverbal means. So we blog. And we send each other songs. And virtual growing flower pots. And it is pathetic. And you really don’t want to be subjected to it.

But first things first -

Dear Baroness Dana,

I was informed last week at War that I have been remiss in my duties and am due a proper outright scolding. I failed to get your phone number while at War and profusely beg your forgiveness. I hope this following post answers any questions you have. If not, please ask and I will strive to further correct the injustice I have caused.

Love,

Sabine

So to cover the highlights before we get to the mandatory War post.

- Yes. Engaged. Me.

I know it might come as shock to about 99% of the population that I managed to get myself tangled up with a guy enough that there is now a ring involved. But hey, wonders never cease.

- Yes. It is Jeff, TheEx from OhSoLongAgo… TheEx from Mexico

- Yes. The proposal was a bit untraditional… but perfect when you consider the parties involved. I mean “Put the damn ring on before I throw you off this damn cliff” isn’t exactly what every girl desires to hear… but it made my heart go all mushy.

- No. I’m not moving back to Mexico. He will come to me. Wherever that ends up being.

- Yes. There is going to be an actual real live wedding. Probably sometime next spring. And yes, everyone will be invited. Unless I get fed up with the supreme effort of planning, then all of you might just get a text message from Vegas.

- Yes. I’m still adjusting.

- Yes. We did go about this a little backwards. I understand that getting back together with your Ex after 10 years of being mostly apart doesn’t normally get kicked off with a proposal. But apparently both TheFiancée and I have the same brand of crazy cause it makes sense to us (crazy sense, but sense).

The road isn’t totally covered in roses and sunshine. We are discovering that both of us have picked up some bad habits in our years apart… and that some of the quirks that irked us previously haven’t magically disappeared as we once hoped.

I’m still one that panics at the thought of total commitment, and when he describes our love he uses words like destiny and eternity. His life is an open book, and I work too hard to compartmentalize too many aspects of my life. I work off a schedule, a plan, and half a dozen to do lists, and he still the most laid back man I’ve ever met. He knows exactly what he wants from life and me. I don’t know what I want for dinner. But he is the man that has never once asked me to make a food decision. He is the only man I know that can actually pull off ordering for me in a restaurant. And he is the man that will paddle me down the river when my arms get tired and I get cranky. He sleeps like the dead and never notices my fidgeting. He tolerates my books and even remembers the name of my “bathtub book” author. He pretends not to enjoy my need to enrich his life with more culture than he can at times handle. And when I look into his eyes, I see a quiet confidence and a cool assertiveness that can make me forget to breathe.*

He is the only man I’ve ever loved. And I think he may be the only man capable of loving me just as I am. And if we can’t make it work then I’m fairly certain I’m just a lost cause.

Other than that not much is new in my world as long as you have stayed caught up on your current events. Cause if you do then you already know the current state of my chosen industry and hence the reason why I’m still living in Hell. Although the idea has recently surfaced that maybe it is time for a career change, I’m having an incredibly hard time giving up on that stable paycheck that supports in the ways I have become accustomed to.

And I promise that I’m working on a War post…

_{* and yes, he can quote Poe.}

CinnKitty asked for a photo - so here goes…

What? Not the photo you were expecting?

Well since someone so succinctly asked where the fuck I’ve been for the past 6 weeks…

The short answer? At home in bed.

The longer answer? When last you left your heroine she was preparing to take 2 weeks off work for some well deserved vacationing. She had a very long list of places to visit and people to see. However the industry she works in experienced some problems… problems that caused many companies to fold and the stock market to crash… problems that allowed me to discover that it really is possible to work 120 hours in 6 days and not see sunlight for any of it.

So getting out of town didn’t happen… what vacation I did have consisted of me sleeping in my own bed which was a novel concept after 2 weeks of sleeping at my office, sharing one couch with my assistant,… and a trip to the outlet mall.

Then the problems started. The weekend I was supposed to be living it up in the wilds of West Texas? Pain.

Pain led to infection.
Infection led to surgery.
Surgery led to recovery.
Recovery led to complications.
Complications led to more recovery.

And finally here we are. Sunday was the first time in a month that I was able to eat something more solid than yogurt. I’ve wanted onion rings for 2 weeks – I had those yesterday. I’m getting my energy back now that I’m able to get back to a regular (for me) sleep schedule and getting some real food in me. I still have to irrigate out my wounds 3 or 4 times a day. But mainly life consists of working all that I can, then sleeping, and more trips to Smoothie King than can possibly be healthy for one human.

And TV. I’ve worked my way through –
Rome Seasons 1&2.
Dexter Season 1 (twice) … (the best show on TV today)
Brotherhood Season 1
Nip/Tuck Season 4 (also in the top 5)
ER Seasons 6-8 … and part of 9 but the show starts to go down hill after Mark dies.
(seriously - there wasn’t exactly a lot sleeping to be had)

and now the Fall TV season has started so I have all sorts of shows to watch and fall in love with so they can get cancelled after 4 weeks. (still bitter over Fox canceling Reunion. Bastards.)

So there you go. I warned you I might not be around much. This wasn’t really what I meant but being online just hasn’t been in the cards lately. Although it has had a rather insulating effect. Not only do I have no idea what is going on in the personal worlds of friends outside of a few. I haven’t kept track of the world in general which makes phone conversations great. I hadn’t heard about the hurricane or the rioting… I hadn’t even realized that the football season had started until I was confronted with the reality of living within 10 minutes of one of the top 10 college teams. I did know about the Britney debacle but only because I got to watch that live.

And I’ve officially used all the energy I have so that means I get to take a nap now. NightNight.

So this is going to be a hard post to write, so you get to bear with me.

You have noticed (and commented) that the posting here has drifted to almost nonexistent … not quite but almost. The honest truth is that I’m avoiding. I’m avoiding because the thoughts first and foremost in my mind are things I don’t want to talk about with anyone, and yes that even includes you. Because really? I’m not comfortable with putting the thought “I’m not happy with the life I’m leading” into words. But frankly I’m fairly miserable and I’ve finally reached that point where I’m tired of ignoring the misery every time it slaps me in my faux-smiling face. So I’m changing it. And it is hard. And slow. And I’m not really proud of the fact that once again I have landed myself in a predicament that turns my life into something dismal.

On paper, I’m a chick who has her shit together. I live in the state of perpetual sun. In the “it” neighborhood with a great townhome that is beautifully decorated. I have a job that people would trip over themselves just for the opportunity to have a job like this one with great benefits and even better perks. Best of all? I’m the boss of everything in front of me with no one to answer to but a silly board of directors. My salary is enough that allows me to be able to do or buy whatever I want without any money concerns and still be able to stash 60% of it away for the day when I can say “FUCK YOU!” to the Establishment and become the crazy old witch in the old house at the top of the hill that the kids dare each other to run up and touch my front door every Halloween (cause that is the only reason I’m still living this life. Seriously.)

I’m living the life that every young hot shot professional dreams of (except for maybe the crazy old witch part). But I’m too tired to care. And I hate it. I finally hate it enough that I’m doing something about it.

For the past 6 months I’ve been making changes where I could and battling with myself over major decisions. Trying to figure out what is going to make me happy – adapting me to my life or adapting my life to me. And really I think my answer lies somewhere in between.

Some things are up in the air still. Even some of the major things – like where I’m going to live and what I’m going to do. But I have a deadline. March 31^st my lease expires here… and I’m leaving. I don’t know where I’ll be going (although I have some ideas). I don’t know if it will be a job transfer or if I will be striking out on my own. But on April 1^st – I won’t be here. That is my number one priority and the reason why I still get out of bed everyday, and yes that even means that if I have to pass on Gulf Wars this year to get that goal accomplished then that is exactly what will happen.

I’ve learned a hard lesson. I can’t allow my career or my locale to define who I am. Who I am has to be malleable to those aspects but not delimited by them. For too long I’ve allowed certain expectations to be laid upon me about how I should behave or dress, about what I should consume or entertain myself with, and far too often my opinions have not matched those expectations but I’ve given in and ultimately sacrificed my own expectations. Somewhere along that path I left myself behind and have continued to feed TheMachine. What saddens me the most is that now I look back at some decisions I made and if I’m honest to myself I can admit that I actually regret them. Fuck the “I made a mistake, but I’ve learned from it, and it will make me a better a person” bullshit speech. I fucked up. I missed out. I can’t get back the time I lost. And I fucking regret it.

So there have been changes and there will be more.

Some have been minor – like throwing away that absolutely putrid coffee table that the decorator insisted was a must for my living room or deciding to go back to natural nails.

Some have been fairly major – like becoming an official card carrying vegetarian (complete with newsletter!) and realizing that it is okay to start living on your body’s schedule even if that means eating your meals at times others consider to be inconvenient or pissing off neighbors with 3 a.m. vacuuming because they can’t understand that not everyone can sleep on their schedule.

Every change is a triumph for me, a small thing for me to be proud of, but it is also a private thing for me. These are things I keep close to myself because admitting to the achievement is admitting to the flaw that needed to be addressed. And posting this entry is using up just about all the guts I have to spare.

All of this blabbering is really just me giving a well deserved explanation about my absence not only from this blog but from a few other internet haunts I would normally be frequenting. Before this my life was busy and that hasn’t lessened. If anything life now takes up more time than ever and it doesn’t leave my much time for the lazy things – like the internet.

I’m not saying goodbye. I’m not saying that I’m closing this place down. But I am letting you know that if you are still one of the few that pop in every day only to be disappointed when you see nothing has changed – I’m sorry. And I won’t be pissed if you stop checking in everyday. In fact – if you so choose to utilize it, I tweaked the guts a bit and added a new function for members. If you log in and go to your profile page there is a spot at the bottom on the left where you can now opt to be emailed anytime a new post (however infrequent) pops in.

And as small as that is, it is really the best I can offer right now. You aren’t going to see me around much in the coming months. Be it here, in the forums, or even in person. Sometimes focus has to go elsewhere. And right now? It is time for me to take care of me.

Yes, the hair looks great… or at least it should look great. You see the current problem with my hair is that it is attached to my head which currently contains a raging sinus infection. A raging sinus infection that my doctor saw fit to use an excuse to drug me into oblivion. As such in the past 72 hours I’ve slept over 60, and can still barely keep my eyes open. And the hair? Well I’m sure that once I manage to stay vertical long enough to do more than brush my teeth then the hair will rock more than my hair has rocked in sososo long.

Now if you will excuse me, I’ve been awake for 15 minutes and that is about 13.5 minutes too long.

(you should know that I actually wrote this at about 8 a.m. this morning but then fell asleep before I could get it posted… like “laptop in my lap” asleep… “laptop in my lap and 40 pages of skdkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkdkkkkkkk when I woke up” asleep.)

See it isn’t that I don’t want to blog. It isn’t that I’m avoiding blogging. And I’m sure as hell not too happy to blog. It isn’t even that I don’t have anything to blog about. It is just simply a lack of time. 100 hour work weeks can do that.

Things I wished I had time to blog about –

My trip to Chicago (“OH! This is the reason I don’t like my job!”)
My venturing out to a weekend Squire’s Retreat (“OH! This is why I love the SCA!”)
The hair issues (and subsequent purchase of $45 shampoo/conditioner)
The skin issues (and subsequent purchase of 38 pounds of bath powder)
The food highs (cupcakes… and kung pao tofu)
The food lows (if you give me one more fucking carrot…)
The new necessity of buying conservative pumps (otherwise known as “Ms. Expert Witness” shoes)
New garb plans (Sabine needs a boy name)
Laptop shopping is fun! (Except that while in the process of shopping you also decide you can’t actually live without a new cell phone, mp3 player, and the portable dvd player that matches your new hypothetical laptop.)
My very sneaky plot to get babydoll sheep inhabiting Sarah’s front yard (can’t you see her with a little 30 pound ram… on a leash?)
Bath and Body Works Semi Annual Sale (oh gods I’m going to go broke…)
The Body Shop Semi Annual Sale (oh gods I just went broke…)
Having to spend today and tomorrow with a lawyer (not for her to actually teach me anything about the law. No , she is here to to teach me my manners apparently. She is going to attempt to instill in me - tact. Someone should be selling tickets to this shit.)

And once I got past all that, I could blog about what is on the horizon –

Like some driving, and then a court deposition, some more driving, some happy time spent in New Orleans, then more driving, an event in which Sarah gets fleeced elevated, and then finally – a ton more driving.

And maybe when I get done with prepping for that and living through all that… maybe then I can catch up on blogging.

**edited because damn someone (or even just possibly me) should proofread this shit cause when I’m in a hurry that dyslexia really sneaks in. **

All packed and ready to go… and now I’m off to spend a few days with a boy in Arizona.

So I tried to sit down and write out just how horrible my weekend was – but honestly when it comes down to it? My weekend rocked. Except for the pissywhiny heartbroken companion (who I love dearly)… who managed (or I might have forced him in hopes of disposing of the pissywhiny act) to get drunk and throw up all over me (and since I love him dearly? I didn’t kill him). Other than that? Rocked.

And just as an FYI – if you are looking for an overnight spa experience without spending all the money of an overnight spa? Two Words – Beau Rivage. The food rocks too.

The real downside to the weekend was coming home. I brought the Mississippi weather back with me which was great since I could turn off my A/C and enjoy some more time with my windows open, but the 60 degree temps and the pounding rain have left me with absolutely no desire to get out of bed. With all the chilly and the cozy I’m up to sleeping like 8 hours a day… and getting downright pissywhiny myself anytime I’m forced to be vertical.

There was some productivity on Monday morning before the lazy hit. I finished cleaning out my closet, which has resulted in the need for 12 large black trash bags of clothes, almost 40 purses, and 20 some odd pairs of shoes to all find new homes. It is times like this I miss living close to friends. Cause it would be nice to offload all this stuff on friends and not the Goodwill.

But hey at least the Goodwill builds up my Karma points, right?

I’m terribly sorry for those that don’t get the joke… but it had to be done.