These past few days have been poignant and even a bit surreal. Any trip to the Ranch makes me remember that this life is wholly opposite from any rendering I attempt to create outside these gates. It’s funny; I have spent so many years trying to get as far away as I can, but it’s still the only place I know as home. I know every nook and cranny, every hidden room, and much to my dismay I still know every story about each of Grandmother’s prized Tiffany lamps. I can walk this place blindfolded and never falter, but yet back in Florida I managed to slice open a toe trying to turn the damn alarm clock off. It’s hard for me but on days like these a small part of me wonders if choosing my own path over my family’s ordained one was the right thing to do. It’s only a small part, but its still there looking at everything I gave up so I could work my ass off paving my own damn way.

I’ve tried to write since Monday and the page just stays blank. The people around me were mourning, and I couldn’t. It just wasn’t right or maybe I wasn’t ready. Today things changed.

(Read on …)

My Grandfather passed away tonight. This was somewhat expected, but its still a rough time for the family. The jet is on its way to take me out to the Ranch. I shouldn’t be gone more than a few days.

Please keep my Grandmother and all their kids in your thoughts.

Today I learned –

- That I really don’t live in the middle of nowhere. It’s more the beginning of nowhere because surprisingly enough there are stupid fucks who actually live farther North than I.
- That company mandated drinking may not be the best activity on a Monday Night.
- That the easiest (but possibly not the smartest) way to make chocolate milk is to just go ahead and turn the whole damn container of regular milk.
- That this company can eat my ass if they think I will ever order anything from them again. I have never seen so many mistakes and such poor customer service come out of a company.
- That Sarah may know me too well. Today when I asked if she ever felt like buying a farm just because she could, there was a brief pause followed by “You didn’t buy a farm, Sabine… right?”
- That I have a soap fetish – I currently have 12 different bars lining the rim of my bathtub and every morning I end up having an internal debate on which to use.

Today stunk of Monday, this is due in large part to the fact that I read my book in bed till well after 10:00 a.m. on Monday. So I guess I really had today coming to me. My saving grace was that the house I was supposed to tour in the late afternoon had fresh concrete porches poured at all entrances… I took that at my hint that Fate was telling me to go home. Which I did directly after partaking in a huge bowl pho… some days there really isn’t anything better than comfort food.

I think I hear that bed calling again…

She’s returning to a Monday Meme, in lieu of actual content. And that sounds like an excellent idea to me as well. Unfortunately though, I thought the meme she chose sucked. Mainly cause the music of my senior year is better off left in the past, but as luck would have it I got tagged on this one while in the middle of my pity party last week and hadn’t gotten to it… so well now seems perfect.

(Besides it was either this one or one about sex… and really there are just some things I shouldn’t volunteer to anyone who stumbles onto this site… you know who you are)

(Read on …)

You know what I�m missing most living in Florida? Originally it was the general lack of decent food (girl needs sustenance). As someone who almost exclusively eats weird stuff adjusting to Florida was interesting but in the past few months I have found enough places to satisfy most of my cravings. Sometimes I really have to drive to get them, but I can find them. Hell I even found a Tex-Mex place this weekend that could hold its weight in Texas� I was very impressed.

No, what I�m missing is the general lack of alternative life options. I�m used to being in the same town as my herbalist, and within walking distance of my Whole Foods store. I never realized just how much I had begun to ignore traditional grocery stores over the past year or so, and now they look really bleak. The best natural food store I have found so far is no more than a glorified convenience store when it comes to size. Surprisingly my Super Target has proved almost adequate in food finding expeditions, but I have yet to find anyone that knows anything about herbs outside of cilantro and parsley.

My family has taken it on themselves to remedy that. Maria recently made and sent me a full gallon of homemade soy sauce (yum) along with certain Vietnamese staples I have had just no luck finding. She also sent me another gallon of my favorite salsa. Can you believe I haven�t been able to find a 82 year black man who owns a bait shop with a huge cauldron out back with simmering salsa � $10 bucks a gallon/bring your own jug? Me neither, and I looked.

I have no Central Market� or World Market for the matter. The only ethnic grocery stores I have are Cuban. And I am noticing a general lack of all things non-corporate. When I moved to Texas, I had some serious homesickness going for the Strip District and Southside in Pittsburgh. I was used to all my needs being met within walking distance of my loft, and I soon learned that everything I needed could be found in DFW if I was willing to drive for it. Now I miss the shops and the coffee in Oak Lawn, the hole in the wall bars in Deep Ellum, the galleries in the Quadrangle, and Greenville. God, do I miss Greenville.

Here? I can’t even find a Natural Bath store. If I want lotion, I have to have it shipped in. Alternative means Head Shop. Vintage means Goodwill. And Organic means you buy your fruit from the guy selling cantaloupes out of the bed of his truck on the shoulder of the highway. And I haven�t found a book or music store yet that doesn�t have a corporate logo. Amazingly enough there are some books that can�t be found at Borders.

Don�t even get me started on the lack of culture. Barbarians, I tell you.

(Read on …)

It�s been awhile since I�ve done a Friday song. I guess I kinda fell out of a groove (well that and this summer has fairly sucked for new music), but today we shall remedy that.

This was actually a great week for new music. I was able to add to my collection with �

Trapt: Someone in Control (everyone needs to own this CD)Death Cab for Cutie: PlansA Dozen Furies: A Concept from Fire

David Gray: Life In Slow Motion

Switchfoot: Nothing Is Sound

And with new music from � Disturbed, Nickelback, Sheryl Crow, Fiona, Liz Phair, Shinedown, and Story of the Year safely on the Horizon, life becomes much easier to deal with.

But this week you get none of that from me. I heard an excellent rumor that one of my favorite bands may be coming to town soon� and that�s really all I can concentrate on. So in that hope, this week I am giving you 2 songs by The Exies. Both are from an older CD but they are my faves and I love them dearly…

Genius and My Goddess

Ah what the Hell � Here�s a great acoustic version of Ugly as well.

While I�m here, someone should tell Gavin that I hate him again� and not for any of the silly inconsequential reasons I have hated him in the past. I actually have a very good reason to hate him this time around.

Here I was trying to be a good girl and follow the advice of an older and dear dear friend� and he was wrong. Completely and unequivocally WRONG. So wrong that I am certain he said it just so he could laugh at my pain. Typical Male Bastard.

Well it’s Thursday night and I am feeling much better than I was say… 48 hours ago. This is because of a variety of reasons. Most importantly I haven’t had a migraine since Monday night. Apparently the Topamax is doing some sort of good. Venting here also helped tremendously, and we don’t even need to talk about the comments that resulted.

But there was something else that happened Tuesday night that made this week much more bearable…

Now this is the point where all of you who still have faith that I’m some sort uber cool totally non-dorky girl whose extremely busy social calendar keeps her out to all hours every night…. well, all of you should stop reading here.

(Read on …)

I *heart* Bill Maher. I *heart* him so so much…

Hey kids, in an effort to provide you with something other than my bitchy whiny self - Sarah started a discussion over on her blog. Yeah, it’s another sex topic but people tend to like to rant most about things involving sex… and as always we are here to oblige.

So here. Go Play.

This is that post wherein I refuse to inflict all of you with my funk. Since I have been in this funk, I have steered clear of posting cause I feel to inflict my foul ass mood on friends would just be wrong. And if I did that I wouldn’t be able to point, laugh, and bitch (… much) about all the other people I know who use their blogs so they can whine about their pathetic existence.

So this is me apologizing for not posting in, like, forever. And this is me still not talking about my funk.

(Silence)… (Angry Bitter Silence.)

Well since I clearly have nothing else better to speak of – I guess the only thing I can do is talk about my funk. Consider this my consent, I allow all of you to point, laugh, and bitch all you want about that whiny girl over at condoinhell. (Just know that I may hate you forever if you do. Consequences, my friends, consequences.)

(Read on …)

Gothic War XV Gallery

Well I feel refreshed, how about you? I started writing my event recap and I realized that my thoughts are still a bit scattered. Since this is growing long and I have neglected this place for so long, I am breaking it into sections. This first part will get you thru Friday night, and maybe tomorrow I’ll have the actual event part up. I’m intent on getting pics up tonight… tomorrow at the latest.

–

Last Wednesday I left for Texas for some well needed time away from here. After arriving in San Angelo (the town that is quickly becoming a home away from home) I got to sit around with Gavin and Safiye and catch up while watching Gavin make a mess. There was a 3 a.m. Whataburger run and then Gavin decided that I didn’t need to sleep so we argued and I beat on him for awhile. I won. That made me happy and sleep came soon after that.

Thursday consisted of waking up late, running late, 2 trips to Wal-mart, and 1.5 trips to the airport. I was able to shock Gavin by informing him that I couldn’t drive a stick… I have a feeling that if we hadn’t have been running so far behind schedule that would have been fixed then and there, but since we were – it would have to wait for another trip. It seemed that nothing really went right on Thursday which would turn out to be the theme for the weekend… After we finally got Sarah to site it was decided that if nothing went right this weekend it would be a better weekend than if we had just stayed home.

On Friday Sarah and I took it upon ourselves to do something about the bathrooms on site. Apparently they hadn’t been cleaned since the Eisenhower administration. To call them nasty would be a great understatement. Some Simple Green, Bug Bombs and a water hose and things were to a tolerable level. I think Friday also consisted of 2 Wal-mart trips, 1 to Dollar General, and 1 to K-mart. And the liquor store… you can’t forget the liquor store. We learned that when you need to feed a large group of people Wal-mart fried chicken is a great way to go. As the sun went down, Sarah and I realized just how broken the radar really… really is. Wow. There was a minor and someone old enough to be our father and neither caused even a minimal blip. At some point we both decided to wisely head to bed before we got ourselves in trouble…

Home. Not Dead. Much Tired.
Almost 800 emails to wade thru.
6 loads of laundry to do.
Many bug bites.
A bit of sunburn.
One ugly sprained ankle.
And ever so happy to have seen friends.

Real post to come maybe even some photos, as soon as my fingers remember how to type. Now to concentrate on not scratching all the skin off my poorpoor feet. Damn ants.