Stay Safe and Have a Happy New Year’s!

was a Kleenex.

Like I said there was an original plan that involved me sneaking off from work Friday morning without anyone really noticing and not returning till sometime late Monday night. I mean it is Christmas – a time for family and all that shit jazz.

But on Wednesday there arose a need to create a “Plan B”. That need manifested in a sore throat and stuffy nose. This was both a bit of blessing and curse. I have been staving off this cold for weeks and I decided that really if there was any time to get sick Christmas would be it.

Now I figured I could still sneak away early Friday but I would go home and, while drugged to oblivion, hide in the comfort of my own bed before facing the family. Being sick also bought me part of Saturday morning and gave me a great excuse to not arrive till after lunch on Saturday. Arriving after lunch and sick, would be the perfect excuse to not have to join the family at Midnight Mass. Then there would be Christmas on Sunday and come Monday – I could heroically pull my ass out of the couch and go shopping with Mom… with full knowledge that if at any time I:

A) Felt my feet beginning to get tired.
B) Felt my body starting to get tired
C) Felt my brain starting to get annoyed.
D) Or; honestly began to feel ill.

I could sniffle at Mom and she would pack me off back to my couch.

That was Plan B, at least. And really the only way to improve on Plan B would be to have Mom believe that it was all her idea… and have her cancel the Midnight Mass fiasco… AND actually have me honestly starting to feel nonshitty come Sunday Morning.

So we went with Plan C. And Family Christmas didn’t suck nearly as bad as it could have. Christmas Eve we did the Family Dinner thing and opened the presents. I discovered that the only thing better than being the OnlyChild, was being the GoodChild. The StepBrothers for Christmas were bailed out financially from whatever their respective cash woes were, and since we are a family of equality and my present needed to equal theirs, but I have no need for the Parental Units to bail my ass out of anything… I got cash. And a hefty amount of it at that.

On Christmas Morning we went to the Country Club for brunch and while the Parental Units bragged to all the friends about my accomplishments over the year – all they could say about the StepBrother (the only one that was with us) was that he was still in school. That won’t even admit what his degree is. No one wants to explain to their friends they are paying 50 grand so their kid can get a degree in lawn care.

After brunch, I ran away. I told everyone that I had some issues I had to take care of and ran off to my South office. Then I actually felt guilty and really worked for a few hours. My parents weren’t driving me nuts but this was the first weekend spent with the StepGrandmother, and she was a bit… batshitcrazy much.

At some point there was a quiet dinner with just Mom and I at a small Vietnamese place and then we saw Pride and Prejudice (good movie, fyi).

Monday – Mom and I hit the stores and there was much shopping and a really bad experiment where this restaurant tried to blend sushi into a Philly cheesesteak. Later that night I headed home realized I forgot just about everything I owned at my Mom’s and had to turn around. Got home late and fell into bed.

It actually turned out to be a fairly good holiday, except for the few minutes as I was leaving when Mom told me she was going to request use of the family cabin in Colorado for next Christmas. 6 whole days in a snowed-in cabin with my family, just how I need to end my year. I however have already started brewing a plot to improve this impending holiday torture. It will probably show itself in the form of New Year’s Resolution here in a few days…

So when last we left Sabine she was back at work and work was telling just how wrong it was for her to have left it alone for a day and a half. Contrary to popular belief it is actually possible for an entire office to implode when I turn my back. All of this was brought on by the arrival of TheReplacement™. He started on Monday, a week and a half before he was expected… and on a day I was still in Louisiana. Remember that day when I moved to Florida and showed up in the office a week early? And the panic that ensued? Yeah, well apparently all the employees thought I was the only that knew that trick. Cause that same panic came right back when TheReplacement™ walked in the door. Followed by even more panic when they realized I was really going to stick to my promise of not answering my phone or checking my messages… No, not even from my assistants.

And damn was I proud of myself. I actually spent the entire weekend with my cell phone locked in my car.

So on Tuesday, yeah panic and then the sudden decision that someone (TheReplacement™) was going to need a bit of ego deflating before we got much further. There are very few people here that get to be that cocky and as a card carrying member I hold our membership standards to the highest regards.

And really? When you are going to start lying about your accomplishments to someone; a bit of background checking on the person you are lying to… you know just to make sure you aren’t laying claim to their accomplishments… goes a longlong way.

Life did get easier though. On Wednesday at about 2:00 a.m. (don’t ask) I walked into the office (I said, don’t fucking ask) to find TheReplacement™ still there – still in his tie – with a cold pizza – and a stack of files. Not willing to admit that I was showing up to the office to work when he asked what I was doing there in fleece pants and a (inside out) sweatshirt I stated that the cleaning crew had called because there was someone they didn’t recognize in the office. I think I pulled off “annoyed at being disturbed at 2 a.m. and hence incapable of getting my standard 9 hours of sleep” really well, but then again I’m not entirely certain what 9 hours of sleep on a work night feels like.

Then over the next few days I tried to wrap up things so I wouldn’t feel guilty about sneaking down to my parents for 4 days for Christmas… or at least that was the original plan.

What? You thought this entry was going to end with the story of the $1000 purse, didn’t you?

Sucker.

I was engaged.

I have been engaged twice, and most of you know the story of how the second turned out… but the first – well it was the first. And I just found out that he is getting married on Jan 7th.

To a woman he met while engaged to me.
Who he proposed to at our favorite restaurant.

Where he proposed to me.

In the same way he proposed to me.

And their wedding?

Is the wedding I planned.

Same cake.
Same favors.
Same flowers.

Same THEME.

And to think he couldn’t understand why I called things off because he was incapable of an original thought…

I need a drink, and a huge fucking party on Jan 7th. Anyone else game?

It’s pretty cool how wordpress keeps you logged into sites your computer logged into days or weeks before, isn’t it?

I think it is.

Hey, Sabine!

Love.You.Mean.It.

So in debating just how much I enjoyed this weekend I came up with a “Pros and Cons” list.

Here is what I have so far:

Con #1 – The traffic trying to head North in Florida. It took me (ME!!) a hour and a half to drive 20 miles. Vs. Pro #1 – Getting to have the opportunity to drive thru sleety stuff in Mississippi that if I squinted I could believe it was snow.

Con #2 – The small incident on Friday Night that not only had me trying to drink water upside down through a straw on Saturday, but also had Sarah driving me to the ER a few hours later. (And no, really I don’t want to discuss just how stupid I can be. Thanks for asking though.) vs. Pro #2 – Making Sarah downright giddy by my attempting to drink water upside down through a straw on Saturday and the bonding time we got to have in the ER waiting room plotting the deaths of every nurse NOT calling my name.

Pro #3 – Getting to spend quality time with my couch. vs. Con #3 – Having to share my couch with 4 guys on Saturday night (who would not let me SLEEP!! asshats.)

Pro #4 – PRESENTS!!! SHINY!!! vs. Con #4 – buying yet more books.

Pro #5 – Not only getting one of the best gifts in the gift exchange but also having the smug satisfaction of knowing my gift was the first one frozen. vs. Con #5 – The general asshatery of some of the participants in the gift exchange.

Pro #6 – Having my feet rubbed for an approximate grand total of about 8 hours throughout the weekend. Vs. Con #6 – The other approximate 47 hours that my feet were not being rubbed.

Con #7 – Using Sabine’s meds as a science experiment. Vs. Pro #7 – Using Sabine’s meds as a science experiment.

Con #8 – Being forced to watch Euro Trip. Vs. Pro #8 – Sarah and I crawling under the tree and watching the lightshow.

Pro #9 – Buying nifty new candle. Vs. Con #9 Almost dying of Carbon Monoxide poisoning.

Pro #10 – All the fun that was had on Saturday Night/Sunday Morning. Vs. Con #10 – having to turn into Satan Bitch Herself to get some sleep on Saturday Night/Sunday Morning.

Pro #11 – MEXICAN FOOD!!! vs. Con #11 – Only having the appetite to consume one meal the entire weekend.

Pro #12 – Earning a notation in the Ardanroe History books as an Out of Kingdom visitor who came to the local fighter practices. Vs. Con #12 – Having no desire to drag my ass back to my own Kingdom.

Pro #13 - I got an excellent start on evil plot #267. (Looks like we are a “go” for Gulf Wars. You should probably figure out how to rig those tent walls, Sarah.) Vs. Con #13 – A certain lame ass of the male persuasion who decided work was more important than meeting me. *sniff*

Con #14 – The drink mixes I brought sucked ass. Vs. Pro #14 – The outfit I wore kicked ass.

Con #15 – Oh the sinning. Vs. Pro #15 – OhOh.The.Sinning…

Pro #16 – Getting to take Monday as a vacation day. vs. Con #16 – Arriving at work on Tuesday to discover that Monday had waited for me…

All in all, though it was an excellent weekend. I think all my pros far outweigh the cons, and I’d be more than willing to do it all over again… next month.

And now? Nose = Grindstone.

You know what I feel like? I feel like a nice rousing game of “HI! Haaaave you met Sarah?”

I figure if I leave now I can make it to Louisiana well before last call. And since I haven’t made that drive in, oh well, over 5 weeks, I figure “what the hell, right?”

Sarah – clear off the couch! I have a spare weekend and an alien cat to piss off.

Everybody – here’s to having a better weekend than last weekend, cause we all need that.

LoveYouMeanIt,
Sabine

P.S. Stop stealing my word, bitch… and update your fuckin’ blog too.

Sorry guys, I thought I mentioned this. Apparently it was just in emails and it never actually made it to the blog…

So anyway, I was out driving properties on Friday and I had to take a few photos of some houses. One of the houses had an open garage door, I took my photo and went on to the next. A few minutes later this truck starts riding my ass then out of nowhere he whips into the oncoming traffic lane and as he passes me he cuts his wheel, running me directly into a concrete drainage ditch.

Luckily, he pulled this stunt right next to a gated entrance of a subdivision, the guard at the gate saw everything and was able to stop and restrain the man till the cops showed. Turns out the Asshat was standing in that open garage and thought I was taking a photo of him… he’s wanted by the cops, and he thought I was there like staking him out or some shit.

I’m fine, I was sore most of the weekend and I had some bruises that are mostly healed. But apparently The Beetle isn’t as unfuckwithable as I once believed. He didn’t handle running his nose into a concrete drainage ditch that well. He kinda curled up like a roly-poly and cried.

I kinda cried too.

The Beetle is totaled.
My poor little grasshopper is dead.

sniff.

Since apparently unbeknownst to me the council voted that I would in fact be attending the Family Christmas… and since Mother rather pointedly bought everyone but herself a gift… I ventured out shopping last night.

My plan had been rather simple. Mom is getting all new landscaping this week since Wilma apparently didn’t like the old landscaping and saw fit to sweep it all into the lake. On Friday, instead of getting a bill the landscaper will inform my Mother that it’s been covered… and Merry Christmas and some other flowery shit I’m sure… Love, Sabine. I can do that, cause the landscaper’s wife gets her paycheck from me. But, really? I can’t wrap that up and put it under the tree for Christmas morning, now can I? So now I had to go in search of something, but preferably something costing less than those 4 fucking palm trees, I decided to go the thoughtful route. BOOKS! Books are always a great gift to give, especially to my Mom.

First bookstore – Don’t have the books I’m looking for. Fuck. Oh but wait their other location has them and they can hold them for me… and I only have to drive 30 minutes out of my way! love.christmas.so.fucking.much. Bright Idea! The mall next door to the bookstore has a bookstore in it as well. Yeah. I said mall. That place I swear off for the entire month of December, but I can be a bit one tracked once a thought enters my head, so to the mall I went.

Second bookstore – Going out of business. In 3 days. Everything is 60% off. Things are a little blurry at this point. All I know is an hour later I’m $392.67 short a whole lot of money and it’s taking two clerks and a book cart for me to find my car… and I still don’t have the books for Mom.

30 minutes later – Third bookstore…

Is Christmas over yet?

Oh and, Santa? I’m going to need another bookcase in my stocking this year. kk?thanks.

Mom calls today and tells me that since I am coming to her house for Christmas (“I am?” me says) that she went ahead and bought gifts for my stepfather, stepbrothers, and the step-grandmother (that I’ve never met). She also wrapped them and wrote that they are from Sabine on the tag.

Apparently she doesn’t want a repeat from the one year she required me to buy gifts for the new half of my family. Cause I got my stepbrothers (ages 15 and 17) Playboy subscriptions… And with time running out and not a clue what to get a stepfather… he also got a Playboy subscription. I was NOT well liked that year, but the look on that 15 year old kids face was well worth it.

Sarah says that if we post Monday memes then the Monday won’t come back tomorrow. I’m willing to play along is it means that my week won’t continue like last week did. I can’t take 2 weeks of that.

(Read on …)

Michael of Langley
You will be sorely missed.

Well my day has sucked.

Mainly because this guy chased me down and ran me off the road for taking a photo of his house…

How’s your Friday going?

Ten to one.

TEN random things you might not know about me
1 – I abhor politics.
2 - I associate most moments in my life to songs. It’s like an internal soundtrack on X.
3 – I can’t drive a stick.
4 – My version of cleaning involves tearing everything apart first.
5 – I wax my toes.
6 – I’ve lost over 50 lbs. in the last year.
7 – I have a list-making fetish.
8 – I’m really beginning to crave beef again.
9 - I love buying blank journals, though I rarely use them.
10 - I sleep under a comforter even if it’s 90 degrees outside–I have AC for a reason.

NINE places I’ve visited

1 – Rome
2 – France
3 – Japan
4 – Vietnam
5 – Venezuela
6 – Brazil
7 – Lebanon
8 – Saudi Arabia
9 – Czech Republic
10 - Russia

EIGHT ways to win my heart

1 – Writing words out… not just the letter they sound like. U does not equal YOU.
2 – Introduce me to new music and books that I can’t live without.
3 – Neverever give me roses.
4 - Make nice with my friends. Like it or not their opinion matters.
5 – Adore my feet.
6 – Don’t think there is something wrong with me for not wanting kids.
7 – Have a (non-fake) foreign accent… and facial hair.
8 - Don’t put your beliefs on other people
9 – Love dogs.
10 – Rub my head when I can’t sleep.

SEVEN things I want to do before I die

1 – Retire so I can devote my time to opening a bookstore/coffee shop.
2 – Get the hell out of Florida
3 – Take a sushi class
4 - Witness the tragic and entirely accidental death of George W. Bush. (again not that I really care but I like beating Sarah to it.)
5 – Do that whole fall inlove thing again.
6 – Get another Dane.
7 – Own a purple convertible Beetle.

SIX things I’m afraid of
1.- Thunder.
2.- People who try and drive like me.
3.- Intimacy.
4.- That I’ll never be healthy.
5.- Guns.
6.- That this is it.

FIVE things I don’t like
1.- Broccoli.
2.- Bells.
3.- Repetitive bells in music.
4.- Bellringers.
5.- Raw Tomatoes.

FOUR ways to turn me off
1.- Have no grounds to justify your ego.
2.- Leave a shitty tip or treat the server like crap.
3.- Establish yourself as a One-Upper.
4.- Refuse to try new things.

THREE Things I do every day
1.- Swallow 24 pills.
2.- Bathe (that’s actually something I do 3 times a day every day).
3.- Stalk the internet.

TWO things that make me happy
1.- Books.
2.- Music… and wrinkled puppies.

ONE thing on my mind right now
1.- I jinxed myself.

It’s been one of those Mondays and I predict this week is going to be full of Mondays.

(Read on …)

A week or so ago, I was on the phone with Sarah (god, we talk too much…) trying to explain a few Florida real estate phenomenons. Sarah really couldn’t wrap her mind around it, so I am providing a visual.

(Read on …)

I know I suck at this lately, but I really underestimated just how busy I would be when I came back from vacation. I promised a synopsis of vacation, and while this isn’t exactly what I had in mind, it went something like this:

Monday: Leave. Fly. Arrive. Hug. Drink - no more than that.

Tuesday: Work at the Dive Shop. Dinner. Some TV. Drink.

Wednesday: Deal with Wedding shit joys. Dive. Dinner. Drink - no more than that. No sleep.

Thursday: Food. Friends. Fun. Awkward conversation with ex. Drink.

Friday: Day at Spa. Bachelorette Party. Work a shift at the bar. Possibly cause a fight (Really. It depends on who you ask as to where the blame lies… I vote not me. I vote drunken boys looking for an excuse to beat on each other, i.e. not my fault.). Drink - no way more than that.

Saturday: Wedding. Reception. Eat Goat. Party. Work a shift at the bar. Drink - no wayway more than that. No Sleep.

Sunday: Rest. Recover. Shopping. Alone time. TV.

Monday: Debate trying to fly home on standby. Opt for shopping instead.

Tuesday: Rest. Recover. Wind Down. Further Awkward conversations with ex. No sleep.

Wednesday: Head home. Crash.

That about covers it.

Since then, I�ve made some major changes at the office, started the process of finding a new office location, planned and hosted the management holiday party (and when I say �planned�, I really mean my new assistant did everything), and almost have all the backlogged paperwork done to a point where it isn�t blocking the view out my window. Almost. I also got some work done on the new �to be but yet to be named� site, managed to get a 100 in Sarah 101, got a working idea for my classes for Winter Wonders, and finished the first 2 pages of the redo of my newcomers guide.

That no sleep thing? Isn’t really a product of the vacation - I’m just not sleeping. Over the past 2 weeks, I’ve averaged about 4 hours every other night. Which is getting overwhelmingly old, and could quite possibly be the reason that I can’t keep a thought in my head for more than 4 minutes at a time.

In an effort to try and find some holiday cheer, I adopted an Angel from a local orphanage and have proceeded to spoil her rotten. It hasn�t done much for the holiday spirit, but I have had a blast pretending to be a teenage girl.

The week ahead is going to be a clusterfuck, I can feel it in my bones. I�m crossing my fingers that I can keep ahead of it cause there is an event I�d really like to attend this weekend, and having to work instead would suck some serious ass.

and the answers to the lyrics meme - (Read on …)