Today?

I went to a nudist colony. A “strictly full nudity” (as in not “clothing optional”) colony.

I did this for work and not by any means for myself. Did you know that people ACTUALLY LIVE inside these places? Naïve me always thought they were resort type places or possibly like a country club. I never knew they were places that people actually purchased real estate… for their primary residence. I didn’t realize there were people in this world willing to drop $500k on a house in a subdivision inside a nudist colony.

Before this project came up at work, I really knew next to nothing about nudist colonies… and I was kinda okay with that. I was incredibly cool with the idea that there were people in this world who wanted to spend their vacations naked (not my bag but everyone is allowed their own special brand of kink). Because that is all I thought this idea consisted of. Now? Now I know more than I ever wanted to know. And frankly? I’m disgusted.

Why? Because today while I was being driven around by a security guard on a golf cart he took me to the clubhouse area which contained all your usual amenities you would expect to see around a subdivision’s clubhouse. A pool, a café, tennis courts, shuffleboard, a driving range, … and a playground.

This place is “family friendly”… they allow families – families with small children. And in what universe do the phrases “family friendly” and “strictly full nudity” ever have the right to be combined?

There have been very few times in my life where I have felt the need to come home and scrub my skin raw… when a normal shower still leaves me feeling unclean. Today was one of those days.

If you ever find yourself debating whether or not to open that 3rd bottle of wine

…opt for no.

So I tried to sit down and write out just how horrible my weekend was – but honestly when it comes down to it? My weekend rocked. Except for the pissywhiny heartbroken companion (who I love dearly)… who managed (or I might have forced him in hopes of disposing of the pissywhiny act) to get drunk and throw up all over me (and since I love him dearly? I didn’t kill him). Other than that? Rocked.

And just as an FYI – if you are looking for an overnight spa experience without spending all the money of an overnight spa? Two Words – Beau Rivage. The food rocks too.

The real downside to the weekend was coming home. I brought the Mississippi weather back with me which was great since I could turn off my A/C and enjoy some more time with my windows open, but the 60 degree temps and the pounding rain have left me with absolutely no desire to get out of bed. With all the chilly and the cozy I’m up to sleeping like 8 hours a day… and getting downright pissywhiny myself anytime I’m forced to be vertical.

There was some productivity on Monday morning before the lazy hit. I finished cleaning out my closet, which has resulted in the need for 12 large black trash bags of clothes, almost 40 purses, and 20 some odd pairs of shoes to all find new homes. It is times like this I miss living close to friends. Cause it would be nice to offload all this stuff on friends and not the Goodwill.

But hey at least the Goodwill builds up my Karma points, right?

I’m terribly sorry for those that don’t get the joke… but it had to be done.

Ok so in the latest trip to Borders – I went a little wild. I realized that all of my recent trips to bookstores were to purchase books on CD to keep me occupied during all my driving and meanwhile the well of books available for actual reading was growing evermore dusty. So there was a 3 for 2 table…and there was a second 3 for 2 table… and finally a 3^rd. So I stocked up. And instead of just randomly pulling another book out of the bags I figured I would get some friendly advice.

Have you read any of these? Which one should I read next? Any input at all?

- Empress Orchid by Anchee Min
- The Asian Mystique: Dragon Ladies, Geisha Girls, And Our Fantasies of the Exotic Orient by Sheridan Prasso
- The Constant Princess by Philippa Gregory
- The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova – Actually finished this one today. Incredibly intriguing but in an almost tedious manner. Then when she realized that she had already written 660 pages… she wrapped up the book rather abruptly in another 20 pages. Not recommended for reading while trying to fall asleep – book will give you odd dreams.
- Labyrinth by Kate Mosse
- Rebecca’s Tale by Sally Beauman
- Last of the Amazons by Steven Pressfield
- Moloka’i by Alan Brennert – Finished this one first and in a one night read-a-thon. Loved this book. Possibly one of the best books I have read this year.
- The Divided Crown by Isabel Glass

So what think you?

Saturday Night? I stayed at my Mother’s and slept tried to sleep on the worst mattress ever owned. Even with packing my own featherbed it didn’t work out so well. Other factors to the non-sleeping had to do with the fact that despite telling everyone what a bad idea it is to try and read a novel about Vlad the Impaler while trying to fall asleep… I went ahead and read the damn book anyway.

Sunday Night? I had been asleep for less than 30 minutes when my phone rings. Knowing that anyone calling at 2:30 a.m. is only calling because their hair is on fire – I answered. And listened to drunken sobbing till the sun came up because some asshat of a female decided to dump a friend of mine about 36 seconds after he asked her to move in with him. Smooth. So now? This weekend I plan to take him to a casino and get him drunk. Because I figure that is what one of the guys would do, right?

Monday Night? I wasn’t even asleep when the phone rang this time. I debated not answering it but what if this friend’s hair really was on fire? Then I would feel guilty. So I answered and then sat on the phone again all night with a friend who had been kicked out of his house by his very pregnant and very upset wife.

By Tuesday my body was shutting down and trying to typr camee out soomething lide this, So I posted announcements where announcements where needed and sent out text messages where the announcements couldn’t reach. And then I did something I never do. I turned my phone off. In the middle of the day. During a week when I am expecting a phone call from my CEO. And I went to sleep. It happened in 2-4 hour shifts, but by this morning I had accumulated over 10 hours of sleep and amazingly enough all the various pains I was feeling yesterday are gone and I’m back to typing at least semi-literate.

So this weekend – my original plan was something along the lines of taking a joyride up to Mississippi, stopping at flea market or 2, and some other shops along the way… with the final destination being the storage unit that Sarah and I store our SCA shit in. Then I would mosey my way back home by way of an outlet mall and a huge ass fabric store.

Now? Instead of going alone, I’m taking a heartbroken friend. And instead of making all my little shopping stops, we are going to one of the Gulf Coast casinos. Where I will keep him liquored up and playing blackjack… and if the situation deems it necessary I will find him a rebound chick… because according to another male friend that is what guys need in this situation – booze, gambling, and rebound sex. And I’m a good friend like that.

Then next week barring any huge major employment changes (did I mention I’m waiting for a call from my new CEO so he can explain to me how he is going to turn my life upside down? Yeah.) I plan on taking every afternoon off so I can come home and do a spring clear out. Not really cleaning – cleaning is covered. It is just that I have too much junk… and clutter. And when I look at my house and try to figure out the best place in which I could stretch out to do my yoga and play with my big ball…the best answer I could come up with was my kitchen. And all the clothes I packed up to give away last fall? Yeah, they are still sitting in boxes in the back of a closet. So it is all going out the front door next week. Sarah and I are trying to figure out how to rig a conveyor belt in my home leading straight to the curb.

Now? Now I’m going to go try and finish reading that book about Vlad…before the sun goes down.

After 3 nights of sleeping like shit and waking up this morning after someone very obviously snuck in during the night and beat her with a baseball bat, Sabine has announced her intention to go home, turn off her phone, take a sleeping pill, and pass the fuck out. If you find yourself in an emergency situation now would be an excellent time to utilize 911… or find an old retired cop – they don’t have anything else better to do.

At this time, Sabine is unsure when she will return to work and ditto for turning her phone back on. She was also overheard muttering something about the only way someone was getting past the gatekeeper was if they had pho. At the time of publication, her friends and family could not be reached for comment.

If you have any questions or complaints, please email TheManagement. We will now return you to your regularly scheduled typical Tuesday. In lieu of actual content - Watch Alanis make fun of Fergie.

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