Catching up.

In this entry, you get to read all about my traveling adventures over the past month. Starting with a short (read: waste of my time) trip to Chicago for work. Then my adventures teaching at an Inter-Kingdom Squires’ Retreat. And then finally all about my experiences as Ms. Expert Witness.

My trip to Chicago (“OH! This is the reason I don’t like my job!”)

Some of you will recall back when I worked in Texas. Some of you will also be able to recall that the majority of my job tasks were based on tasks no one else wanted to do. And that this led to a reputation of being quite the holy terror of the company. There was panic when I walked into an office unannounced. A manager once even climbed out his window to avoid me. You might even be able to remember that year when for my birthday my CEO gave me business cards identical to my standard ones except instead of my title they read “The Henchman”

One day (now a few weeks ago) all of this came back to haunt me. It was Thursday morning and I got an email from my former CEO. The email was regarding a conference to take place that afternoon and it had been sent to about 12 people. I noticed however that I was the only person outside that territory invited… in fact on closer inspection this call was centered around senior management for Central States North – specifically Chicago. I replied because surely there must be some mistake. Why in the world would I need to be present for this call? The reply I got back was adamant that I was expected… with no explanation.

My first thought? Fuck! They want to transfer me to Chicago.

Time for the call rolls around, I phone in, and everyone is saying their hellos and whatnot when I get another email. This one is from our corporate air fleet informing me that the jet was flying in that night from Texas so we could leave the following morning at 5 a.m. for Chicago, And would I like to request any special snacks or beverages for the trip?

Jet?
Leave?
5 a.m.?
Chicago?
…
What the fuck is going on?

(If you recall my days in Texas, you can also recall my great dislike for the tiny tin can my company refers to as a private jet. And trust me when I say that having access to a private jet isn’t always as glamorous as the movies and the billionaires make it seem. I mean for the plane to fly at full capacity, which is always optimal, someone is actually expected to sit on the toilet. Note I didn’t say “in the bathroom” because the toilet actually sits under one of the seats in the main cabin, seriously.)

30 minutes into the call my purpose is finally revealed…. And I my temper comes to a full boil while I wait for the call to end so I can call my former CEO and lose my shit properly. Cause see by the end of the call it was 6:30 p.m. and I had to call my assistant tell him to pull out his black suit and meet me at the airport at 4:30 a.m. the next morning. Then I had to run to Macy’s to buy me a black suit.

Then my assistant and I both ended up pulling an all nighter at the office to get some reports out that HAD to go out Friday… but we weren’t going to be around to finish them on schedule.

We arrived at the airport at 4:15 a.m. to fly to Chicago… for a 4 hour stay.

So I could fire someone.

That doesn’t even work for me.
That I have never even met.

Thousands of dollars wasted (and not to mention my time) because no one in that entire territory had the balls to fire one lousy guy. I was pissed. I was especially pissed because I was asked to do something that is normally considered incredibly taboo (All senior management is strongly encouraged to not interfere in any way with the management of territories outside their own) as a personal favor and “for old times sake”.

At least our driver was able to locate this great vegan restaurant for us to lunch at on the way back to the airport.

Next!

My venturing out to a weekend Squires’ Retreat (“OH! This is why I love the SCA!”)

Some Knights got together and decided to do an unofficial Inter-Kingdom Squires’ Retreat. A total of 6 Knights and about 35 squires… and me. (okay and the 2 wives that did all the cooking for the weekend).

My name came up after a few guys remembered some classes I taught at a Known World Rattan Symposium a few years back, and I was asked if I would be willing to come out of retirement (did you know I retired? I didn’t know I had retired… maybe a bit of hiatus-ing but not a real retirement.) to teach the squires some manners. Specifically courtesies of the field – requesting a favor, honoring your consort, opponent, opponent’s consort, etc., and field challenges. All vaguely geared towards Crown List, because apparently all Kingdoms seem to be pushing their fighters who have never entered The List before to give it a shot.

I was game and agreed, because honestly? If I ever see a squire sitting on a stool list side the morning of Crown List wearing a sign around his neck stating “Will fight in Crown for food and beer.” again my heart will probably stop and I’m certain there will be tears.

I was a little apprehensive going because I knew so few of the guys attending – so unlike the last squires’ retreat I taught at where I knew every single squire and most I considered family. That was like a family reunion. This? Was a bit intimidating. And after the drama that happened when I worked with some of the squires out here when I first arrived I wasn’t actually certain how I was going to be received.

When I got there late Friday night I noticed something interesting. Most of the squires were well on their way to getting trashed… and not one Knight was drinking. I could literally count the smart squires (the ones following the examples of their Knight) on 1 hand.

When I headed to my room to get some sleep one of the Knights I was sharing a room with informed me of some of the morning plans. Poor squires were going to feel some pain in the morning. Whistles started going off a 6a.m.

By 6:10 the squires who had been under the impression that all that talk about being productive this weekend was really a lie they were telling their wives back home were starting to realize just how wrong they were. And by 6:15 all squires were out of bed… and running laps. By 6:30 the ones who had imbibed a bit too much the night before were losing everything they had behind a bush.

Breakfast at 7:30 wasn’t a cheerful affair.

I had a blast however. I spent all morning sitting on a porch with my feet propped up reading my book and watching the boys drill. There was a short break for lunch and my class was pushed back so the guys could get as much time in fighting before the rains came.

By 3:00 it was raining so hard that even the guys still fighting under the covered pavilion had to stop because the water was lapping over their feet. The guys headed off to shower (I prefer working with clean squires) by the time they had returned to the main hall we had lost power. So I taught my class in gloomy rainy sunlight, but it went really well.

I had planned to head home after dinner, but some of the guys ran into town before dinner for some supplies and when they got back a 6-pack of chic beer was dumped in my lap and I was informed that I may as well start drinking because the rain was too bad for me to drive anywhere.

There was dinner and there was lots of bullshitting (all by lantern light). And I realized all squires in all Kingdoms have the same stories as long as you let the enemy be interchangeable.

For just about everyone it was a fairly early night, the boys were all dead tired and the rain was making everyone really sleepy. I got a few hard hours of sleep in before the electricity came back on blinding the entire room in light… and was just getting back to sleep when a corner of the roof gave way and our room started to flood. I slept on and off for the rest of the night as the water that was coming in from the leaking corner had to flow under my bed to reach the drain.

I woke up early and drove home as quick as I could in the pounding rain so I could crawl my happy ass back into bed for the rest of the day/night. But really all in all it was a really good weekend. I actually had fun and enjoyed myself at an SCA activity. I can’t tell you how long it has been since that has happened. I had enough fun that I’m actually am willing to give my local barony another chance to not suck.

So we shall see. But until then I think Gleann Abhann needs a Squires’ retreat.

Next!

Ms. Expert Witness.

This is where I had planned on telling you all about my new exciting double life as an expert witness for a certain federal authority. That was until I received orders today that I wasn’t allowed to discuss the cases I’m working on with anyone outside of my immediate staff and legal representation. Just know that it is still shiny and new and much more glamorous than having use of the company’s jet.

Before I move on to that laundry list of things I need to blog about, I’ve decided to jump ahead and quickly cover this weekend. Well not so much cover it as send out a few thank you notes. You see this weekend had the all the makings of drama filled angsty disaster and I wasn’t exactly being the most tolerant flower in the garden. I was mad. I was mad, confused, and angry. I wanted to throw things. I wanted to kick shins. It wasn’t very pretty. But as luck would have it, I’m surrounded by some great men in my life. Men that balled up, took the brunt of my attack (even though it was never meant to be directed at them), and showed me that they loved me in their own little individual ways. By the end of weekend I wasn’t mad anymore – I was resolved. And I no longer believed that all little boys should be lying dead in ditches, which was a huge improvement over Tuesday night.

Dear Mike,

I’m sorry. You got the worst of it, didn’t you? But you took it and you understood and you offered… well you offered just about everything, didn’t you? From pedicures to a bottle of bourbon even going so far to offer to hire a hit man. You took me out and showed me a good time and more than made up for what you knew I was missing out on. By the time I left on Friday morning, I was at least ready to be seen in public without that burning desire to drive the heel of my shoe into someone’s eye.

Not to mention you are now officially classified as one of Sabine’s True Friends. (For the general audience – this is a classification that you can only be awarded after you have fulfilled the duty of taking Sabine to the ER, and Mike has been waiting for years now to have a chance.)

Thanks, hun
Sabine

______

Dear Dirk,

I’m going to miss you when you are gone. Texas just won’t be the same without you. Thanks for taking time out of your busy packing schedule and driving out to see Sarah and I. But even more than that thanks for bring the big protective bear I can always count on. Just remember to set aside an emergency air fund, because you are my #12 and one day the guys aren’t going to be able to talk me out of making you make good on that promise.

Love.You.Mean.It.
Sabine, your #2… (wait a minute – now that you are moving to Canada, does that mean I’m getting demoted to #3?)

______

Dear Gavin,

I would say that now more than ever my point has been proven. I get pissy, you show up, we whisper and giggle in the dark while pissing off all of our friends, and suddenly the world doesn’t suck so much. I’ve decided it is your SuperChicken power (I can’t believe you bought the hat, btw – such a sheep.). I love you… even if you did the hog the bed… steal my pillow… and snore in my ear. Thanks for being you and I can’t wait for August.

Love,
Sabine

______

Dear Brandr,

Well don’t you have a way at making a girl feel loved? You kept me company Saturday Night after my Ansteorran friends left for home. You flirted and you flattered, and you made me feel all girly inside. I made you my scapegoat and you just laughed and went along with it. Then you taught me the hand signal for “huge squid”, and I don’t know how I have managed to live my life up to this point without that knowledge.

You rock, my friend.
Sabine

And at last but not least –

Dear Heebie,

While hot heads were abounding this weekend you stayed all calm and cool. You manned up and spoke to me honestly about some troubles and we worked thru it. You were there every time I needed something during the vigil. You banished the alien hiding under my shoulder blade. You played a nice rousing game “Brandr did it!” (officially the “it” game of summer) with me and you kept yourself firmly planted between me and the oogey drunk guy. All that combined makes you a fairly rockin’ guy.

But then you found the spot… and that makes you my new favorite.

Love you looooonglong time,
Sabine

So there you have it – my recap. Up next? How I landed my ass in Chicago on a Friday morning.

See it isn’t that I don’t want to blog. It isn’t that I’m avoiding blogging. And I’m sure as hell not too happy to blog. It isn’t even that I don’t have anything to blog about. It is just simply a lack of time. 100 hour work weeks can do that.

Things I wished I had time to blog about –

My trip to Chicago (“OH! This is the reason I don’t like my job!”)
My venturing out to a weekend Squire’s Retreat (“OH! This is why I love the SCA!”)
The hair issues (and subsequent purchase of $45 shampoo/conditioner)
The skin issues (and subsequent purchase of 38 pounds of bath powder)
The food highs (cupcakes… and kung pao tofu)
The food lows (if you give me one more fucking carrot…)
The new necessity of buying conservative pumps (otherwise known as “Ms. Expert Witness” shoes)
New garb plans (Sabine needs a boy name)
Laptop shopping is fun! (Except that while in the process of shopping you also decide you can’t actually live without a new cell phone, mp3 player, and the portable dvd player that matches your new hypothetical laptop.)
My very sneaky plot to get babydoll sheep inhabiting Sarah’s front yard (can’t you see her with a little 30 pound ram… on a leash?)
Bath and Body Works Semi Annual Sale (oh gods I’m going to go broke…)
The Body Shop Semi Annual Sale (oh gods I just went broke…)
Having to spend today and tomorrow with a lawyer (not for her to actually teach me anything about the law. No , she is here to to teach me my manners apparently. She is going to attempt to instill in me - tact. Someone should be selling tickets to this shit.)

And once I got past all that, I could blog about what is on the horizon –

Like some driving, and then a court deposition, some more driving, some happy time spent in New Orleans, then more driving, an event in which Sarah gets fleeced elevated, and then finally – a ton more driving.

And maybe when I get done with prepping for that and living through all that… maybe then I can catch up on blogging.

**edited because damn someone (or even just possibly me) should proofread this shit cause when I’m in a hurry that dyslexia really sneaks in. **

Ok I need everyone to do me a favor, seriously even if you never comment, can you delurk and answer these questions? Please? For my state of mind?

How much do you spend on a standard size bottle of shampoo? Conditioner?

and

How much money is too much money to spend on a standard size bottle of shampoo? Conditioner?

Please answer I need to see if I am really as crazy as Sarah thinks I am*.

And in return I offer you a new feature - if you look over in my sidebar below my links you will notice a new widget that offers you a peek at my current favorites from my Reader.  It is fairly nifty and offers you yet another place to go and snoop when you find you need a distraction from the dreariness of the 8 to 5.

_{*And when I say Sarah, I really am just projecting… I really mean me. Although Sarah thinks I’m crazy as well. But really? It isn’t so much crazy as desperate and have exhausted all other options…}

See I’ve been writing this entry over the past 20 hours or so and it keeps morphing on me. I started out talking about cupcakes and the demise of cake… then there was some sappy patheticness… followed by lamenting about mottling skin (pesky sunburn…so sexy) and raging migraines… I gave up when I started veering into garb research.

So instead, I’m going to try and gather my mind enough to focus on a meme. It has been forever since I’ve done a meme. And frankly? Based on how my last week went, I’m willing to try anything to ward off a repeat… even a MondayMeme.

And maybe next time we can talk about cupcakes…

(Read on …)